This Bear Can Outdrink You

If you never thought a real bear could be a hero, it’s time to change your mind.  At Baker Lake in Washington, fish and wildlife agents recently found a passed out black bear at a campgrounds surrounded by empty cans of rainier Beer.  How many cans?  36 cans.  This bear is a legend.

Somehow improving on an already awesome story is the detail that the bear clawed his way into camper’s coolers to get the beers and there was more than one brand available.  He could have chosen to drink Busch but apparently that’s just not his brand as he avoided them and only drank the rainier.  That’s a discerning bear, and a loyal bear.  If Rainier doesn’t use this in a commercial they need to fire their entire marketing department.

In their effort to shoo the drunken bear away, agents managed to get it to climb a tree where it slept for about four hours because that’s entirely reasonable.  You drink 36 beers, you’re going to want a nap after.  Probably a wicked piss, too, but the story didn’t mention that.

After his nap, the bear wandered off, but he did come back the next day, and could you blame him?  Free beer in the woods?  Unfortunately for the bear, humans generally don’t want to share so Fish and Wildlife was forced to trap the drunkard by baiting him with donuts and a couple of cans of Rainier.  He’ll be relocated now to someplace that probably has a much crappier bar.

This isn’t the only bear who’s learned the thrill of getting wasted.  A couple of years back there were reports of Russian bears who went above and beyond just drinking beers and instead were huffing jet fuel to get wasted.  Try to imagine how terrifying a 1,200lb bear on jet fuel must be.

And maybe less personally destructive but still reeking of addiction, a bear in Colorado busted into a bakery and stole some pies.  It stole 24 pies, in fact, because bears are hardcore and will drink and eat in ways that shame mankind.  And, like the bear who hated Busch, this bear hated strawberry rhubarb and left those pies behind.  He did samlpe a bag of cocoa and a bag of sugar though, meaning it’s likely that when the bear left he was on an insane sugar high before running back to the woods and crashing terribly.

Let this be a lesson to you if you’re in bear country – you keep your pie and your beer out of reach and, ideally, locked in a stank-proof container.  And your jet fuel too, for that matter.