Donald Sterling’s Racist Rant Was Just His Way Of Trying To Get Laid

He did it all for the nookie.

It’s okay, you guys. We can let Donald Sterling back into our national heart, now. It turns out the recently-vilified Clippers’ owner was just pretending to be a super-racist old dude who may or may not hunt minorities for sport. But why?

According to TMZ, Sterling is telling friends he only said those terrible things because he thought it would persuade V. Stiviano to sleep with him. This makes total sense because if there’s one thing mixed-race minority women love, it’s racism.

Apparently, Sterling thought his bizarre, racist ramblings would cause his young female companion’s knees to grow as weak as wire, causing her to crumple into his firm arms where, enveloped in his strong chest, her hungry mouth would tremble, rising to meet his as if it were floating to Heaven above. Or something. But at any rate, given the fact Sterling’s ownership of the Clipper’s is now in jeporady, and V. Stiviano has claimed she and Sterling have never had sex, it’s safe to say that the whole “using racism to get laid” plan didn’t really pan out as expected.

Granted, girls are complicated, but at his age, Sterling should have realized he doesn’t need to turn into Fred Phelps to get some action. All he really had to do was show the ladies his money bin. Look at all the action Scrooge McDuck got.