The world of sex is full of ups and downs. See what I did there? Yep. It’s good sometimes, it’s bad sometimes and, thanks to human ingenuity, it can also be as offputing as all get out. Without further ado, here are 10 absolutely terrifying sex toys that no one really needs.
For sanity’s sake, no, I’m not linking to these things. Sorry.
Duck Dynasty Butt Plug
What’s more erotic than rich, hairy hillbillies? Rich hairy hillbillies in your colon. Good guess!
Mojowijo Robot Claw
Have you ever wished you could get a handjob from a 1950’s movie robot? Of course you haven’t because the people who think things like that live in caves and basements where they steal panties from laundry rooms and eat out of dumpsters. Nonetheless, someone crafted this Mojowijo device, for use with your Nintendo Wii controller, to give yourself a cold, heartless robotic handjob with the latest and greatest technology from 2006
Picture this – in your home you have this device. You place the straw in your mouth and begin tongue lashing it like you would your sexy lady friend (I assume it’s a man doing this because what woman would?). On the other end of the line, maybe on the other side of the world, the corresponding device emulates your sloppy machinations, creating a virtual French kiss anywhere in the world. Except that it’s a dry straw, not a soft, wet tongue and the odds on someone using this in their mouth as opposed to any more raunchy places are like 100 to 1. But whatever.
Brass Knuckle Butt Plug
When you really want to give it your all with a friend during an intimate moment, the kind of moment that requires a comfortable stance and a wind up, why not try a brass knuckles butt plug. It’s where intimacy and blunt force trauma come together.
The biggest problem with most modern sex toys, your Fleshlights and your rubber dolls, is that the manufacturers are bound by the terribly mundane rules of reality. Seriously, real people are built like real people, who wants that in a fake person? Better to make this terrible alien smut chimera that’s just a mish mash of orifices you can rut against in your dingy hump cavern.
We’ve been hiding the true nature of sex toys for probably as long as sex toys have existed. There are pocket vibrators that look like cell phones and lipstick, fleshlights that look like actual flashlights or beer cans, and now these eggs which look like actual chicken eggs and that is precisely why they’re awful.
Sure they’re incognito, but the fact is since no one would dream they’re anything but eggs, when someone does discover one, and it will happen, you have to explain why you’re porking a malleable, pre-lubed egg.
Masturbation Apron Bibs
At first glance you may think this is almost a brilliant idea. A wanking bib? That’s genius! You could start referring to jerking off as “going out for lobster” and no one would be the wiser. Very clever. But the issue here, and I hope you agree, is not in the practicality of the invention, but its very reality. It exists. This is where we are now. We live in a world in which masturbation bibs are mass produced and sold to the public.
If you’re a normal, well adjusted or even semi-adjusted, functionally abnormal person, nothing in life has prepared you for this horrible invention. It’s the scent of ass. Specifically effeminate man-ass. Somehow different than David Beckham’s cologne, this is from a massive line of pervy scents marketed in Japan that include virgin sweat and schoolgirl saliva. How they manufacture them and who tests them remain questions best left unanswered and unasked.
Putin Butt Plug
He’s the leader of America’s largest, most tenuous allied country, he’s portrayed in popular media as a real life James Bond villain, and he’s ready to go to war in both the Ukraine and your bum. It’s the Putin Butt Plug! Lots of potential for making a “put Putin in” joke here to make the evening go more smoothly with you and your bum plugging friend.
This is it, this is the future and it is now. Someone looked at internet porn, looked at a Fleshlight and said “let’s make that into one sticky thing.” And now there’s the iPunani, a device that turns your tablet into a faplet. You can now, literally, screw your computer. Try not to break the screen or destroy it when washing it off. What an age we live in.
The iPunani is basically a plug-in accessory for tablets – remember that super dorky phone handset you could buy for your iPhone, made it so you could answer it like it was an old landline rotary phone? Yeah, imagine that, only instead of a phone handset, it’s now a rubber vagina encased in a box that your tablet fits into so the whole contraption looks like a TV that sprouted reproductive organs in place of a volume knob.
Ian Fortey writes about smut all the time. Follow him on Twitter!