Television has presented us with a puzzle. This is rare because, for the last 30 or so years, television has ventured to do nothing puzzling. In fact, quite the opposite, television wants your brain to work as little as possible which is why Must See TV was invented and why TLC continues to thrive despite each new program being inexplicably the dumbest program ever devised. And yet here we have a puzzle; a new special called Eaten Alive.
Airing on Discovery, the December 7th special will supposedly show filmmaker Paul Rosolie put in a special suit, covered in pig’s blood and then swallowed alive by an anaconda. Given that Rosolie is still on social media, the next logical conclusion is that, if he is eaten, he gets uneaten at some point. This leads to the question of how the heck does that work?
If the premise of the show is legit, then Rosolie will need to be pulled back out of the snake. Animal Rights supporters are protesting the show on this grounds saying that this amounts to a brutal kind of aninmal abuse, especially since an adult male is way too big to feed to an anaconda anyway. Rosolie has countered with vague responses that, if you review his work and his book, you could in no way believe he’d ever really hurt an animal. This is a non-answer because he doesn’t want to ruin whatever surprise they’re cooking up for this show. Thus, a puzzle. An adult male really is likely too big to be eaten by an anaconda, especially across the shoulders, unless that man has been crushed some. We have to assume Rosolie is not letting the snake crush him first. And even if he was swallowed, pulling 6 feet of human back out of the guts of a snake can’t be good for the snake. Snakes aren’t supposed to work that way.
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We’ll leave the debate to other people and instead offer then some fodder. Knowing what we know of TV, can we crack this puzzle? Can we offer up potential solutions to how this takes place? Oh yes. Yes we can.
- Discovery, once an educational channel, now airs shows like Sharkegeddon, Ghost Hunters and shows about hunting bigfoot and/or aliens. This show, ergo, is as much bullshit as those shows and will not actually feature anyone being eaten by anything for real. Instead, the show will feature;
- An animated recreation
- A robot snake
- Literally nothing at all to do with being eaten by a snake
- Actually no, no more options, just that first one. This is just a marketing gimmick, basically a full on lie, kind of the same way they marketed shark week with staged viral videos of bull sharks loose in Lake Ontario which panicked local residents until it was revealed as nothing but a PR stunt.
- Hey, remember when Discovery aired a documentary during Shark Week about the prehistoric shark Megalodon, suggesting it still lived today and was, in fact, entirely fictional? But they aired it like it was a real, factual documentary? Yeah, Discovery owns TLC too, incidentally. The entire company is built on lies, fraud and tacky, tasteless garbage meant to appeal to the lowest common denominator. In short, don’t watch Eaten Alive. It’s going to be just as much crap as every other worthless show on the network.