Clickbait headlines are those headlines that promise you the moon and deliver you Detroit. There’s nothing wrong with a headline that grabs you attention, it just needs to follow through on the promise. None of these really do that, though. Here’s the worst of the worst for this week.
Death by Trump
What We Thought: An article on Trump’s plans to actually murder us.
What it Was: A mild opinion piece on how things Trump says will maybe make more Muslims want to join ISIS or whatever. No one got killed by the end of it.
The Eggs of Heaven
What We Thought: Apparently there’s one ingredient we’ve all been too stupid to add to eggs that makes them transcendent.
What it Was: You know how you make scrambled eggs with milk? Use sour cream instead. That’s literally it. Enjoy your out of body experience.
What We Thought: 20 kick ass movies harbored such dark secrets we’d never want to see them again.
What It Was: A list of really good movies including Requiem for a Dream, Martyrs, American History X and others that seem to be only linked by the fact they’re not upbeat films. So maybe if you’re a Care Bear you won’t want to watch them twice?
The Power of Adele
What we Thought: Aside from being a singer, maybe Adele is like a world class athlete or crazy scientists or something who just changed the world.
What it Was: She had record breaking album sales. You know, a thing musicians do.
What we Thought: Some awesome trick that’ll make your life worth living
What It Was: A literal life lesson about thinking before you act on account of you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. Get it? Yeah…
What We Thought: Cops don’t keep drugs when they bust people anymore?
What it Was: See that comma between “stop” and “information?” Very important as it marks the end of the story about marijuana and the beginning of a story about how you can get your hands on some Crystal Pepsi.
What we Thought: Taylor Swift and her brood ruined the world in at least 21 ways this year alone.
What it Was: 21 jarringly specific examples of white people doing something awkward.
What we Thought: Like a diagram or something.
What it Was: Mostly a book report on the book “Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men” which assures us frat guys are constantly putting things in each other’s asses. Is that really a thing in frats?
Star Wars is Real!
What we Thought: A guide to crazy animals you never knew existed in real life that have awesome sci fi abilities.
What it Was: Hey, remember the Tauntaun from Empire Strikes Back that Han cuts open and stuffs Luke into? Well, in real life, ostriches are kind of the same shape. This article should have been called Squint And These Animals Look Like Star Wars Creatures From a Distance.