Lots of people like to spice up their love life by playing sexy games and that’s all well and good for people who keep it indoors, or at least in the backyard, and relatively safe enough that police or emergency crews don’t need to be called. Still, some people feel the need to branch out and try something a little more adventurous that turns out to be, you know, terrible. Just terrible.
Air Sex Championships
Once upon a time someone started air guitaring along with a song and a friend probably thought “heh, that’s funny.” This inexplicably grew to many people air guitaring until one day they even held air guitar competitions at which people holding no instruments at all recreated the accurate hand movements of someone playing a guitar and awards were given out and no one thought it was kind of lame at all. And then something else happened and they called it air sex.
The Air Sex Championships are exactly what you think they are – people, in public, miming sex acts. Did the evolve from one guy doing the hand job motion when he was sick of listening to someone else? We may never know. But it has become a full on event that even gets press coverage, so that’s something.
In order to win the air sex championship, you have to be the best at pretending to have sex when you’re on stage all alone, something you’d figure any number of guys would have a ton of practice at already, but it turns out even some ladies compete. In the end it’s safe to say no one is really a winner when you could have just stayed home and had actual sex.
Ever seen those giant gummy bears some website sell? Each one can weigh 5lbs or more. It’s a lot of big ass candy. A couple in Tennessee also ran across these bears and the husband thought it would be a nice gift for his wife. So far so good. The wife decided there was something vaguely sexy about the bear, and maybe that’s understandable, it probably felt a bit boob-like. They decided together to include the bear in some sex. How do you do that? Maybe melt it and play with the gummy goo.
Anyone with even a hint of an understanding of science knows where this story is going, but this couple knew nothing about either chemistry or kitchen basics. Sugar, you see, is basically napalm at high temperatures. This is not the stuff you want on your naked body. But they melted the bear anyway and the husband started pouring the sludge over his wife’s chest. When the mix began to horribly burn, as hot sugar will od, he cleverly tried to lick her clean, which resulted in her going to the hospital for chest burns while he showed up with a burnt tongue.
Good job, kids Good job.
How do they get the holes in Swiss cheese? If you’re reading this article, you just cringed. Yeah, it’s a story about that. A man named Chris Pagano made a game out of driving around Mayfair, Pennsylvania and asking ladies if they wanted to see him get cheesey. Now we may not be experts on what the ladies love all the time, but we’re pretty sure most women don’t want to see a stranger banging a hunk of cheese in his car. In fact, it’s a good bet no woman wants to see that.
Pagano himself says police got the wrong guy, however one woman in town says she met him on OkCupid earlier in the year and he asked her to give him a Swiss cheese handy, which makes it seem like yeah, maybe this is the right guy.
Picture it if you dare – 44 year old Timothy Wayne Martin (of course his middle name was Wayne) is at an apartment complex, standing over the air conditioning intake. He’s wearing a flannel shirt and nothing else. Residents watch, disturbed and creeped out, as he yanks on a string. On the other end of the string? His own junk, which bobs and flops around; the world’s most uncool marionette puppet.
Why was Tim using his wang as a Jim Henson Freudian nightmare? We don’t know. However, when he was arrested all police found on his was the string, some porno magazines and some meth, so see if you can figure out what may have happened.
Unfortunately for Tim, this was the third time he’d done something like this (been gross in public, that is, not necessarily in a puppet show way) which made this a felony for him. Meth, it’s a hell of a drug!
Would you play a game called “Dirty Cowboy?” That’s an unfair question since we don’t know the rules. Broderick Crachian apparently did know the rules and still decided to play the game with his girlfriend. Guess what happened? Go on, give it a try. Yeah, he died.
Police in this case never really explained what ‘dirty cowboy’ was, but it involved the couple and a loaded gun and then, unfortunately for Broderick, a bullet in his chest. Was it some kind of sex Russian Roulette, or maybe something to do with the phallic properties of a gun barrel? Was Broderick being roughed up for “cattle rustling?” Doesn’t matter, got shot.