Dan Bilzerian is the internationally jet-setting, poker-playing, buxom blonde-shtupping, Champagne-spraying, private plane-chartering, lush beard-sporting, weightlifting, bullet-spraying, gun-hoarding King Of Instagram, living lavish online and inspiring his 20.9 million followers to step their game up. Recognize.
Of course, haters gonna hate. "Oh Dan, why you be squandering rack after rack on jewel-encrusted timepieces when there's starving kids who desperately need Apple Watches?" "Dan, why you think it's okay to park sideways in handicap spots just because you can afford the ticket?" "Dan, it's illegal to own a fully automatic assault rifle in California and besides, I'm trying to get some sleep." Y'ALL ARE SOME HATERADE-SWILLERS. LET DAN LIVE.
As these haters never take a day off, they've found something else to complain about: Dan brought some dime piece to Richard Branson's private island and let her sit on a 100-year-old endangered tortoise. Let's get this clear: the tortoise weighs 600 pounds. The girl probably weighs 90 pounds soaking wet from coke sweat. And Dan got permission from the employees. But it's never enough for these people: they deluged the pics with comments like "why would you treat a beautiful animal like that" and "why can't I be you, dammit."
That tortoise doesn't care about what's on its back. He's wondering where to get a pair of sandals like Dan's
Hey, haters: suggesting that Dan does not love animals is a hate crime. A quick scroll through his image gallery corroborates this:
Let's address the elephant in the room: Dan Bilzerian loves animals
More like see you NOW alligator
Some people won't even let their cats sit on the couch
Everything this cat eats is Fancy Feast
I''ll be resisting any obvious puns. True Dan fans are better than that
In addition to loving animals, Dan can snorkel underwater
Don't feel bad, it's hard to get on Dan's level
Even Dan's crack pipe is a damn animal
Dan loves animals so much he only feeds them women he'd sleep with
Dan's a member of the NRA — Narcissists Respecting Animals
Okay, I know I said I wouldn't make any puns, but when I said Dan loves animals I wasn't lying. I also wasn't lying about not making any more puns
Dan's out of frame holding up the same bill to her
This is real, by the way
Monkey see, monkey do (That monkey just saw Dan tap a girl's shoulder and ask if she'd like to take a ride in his jet for a three-way with the Prince of Monaco)
Dan is the GOAT (Goat-owningest Of All Time)
I just checked. She really is gone