The 6 Manliest Drinks Ever

Google the manliest drinks ever and you’ll find websites that tell you a Manhattan is one of them. A Manhattan. Do you know how to make a Manhattan? You fill a shot glass with douche and Noxzema then dump it in your purse so as to not smear your Very Cherry lip gloss.

Everyone knows that fictional cool dudes like James Bond drink vodka martinis, and the Dos Equis guy drinks beer from the small of a supermodel’s back after he finishes kung-fuing Jesus, you don’t need another list about that. What you need is a list of drinks that are manly in the way holding fireworks in your bare hand is manly, or a velvet painting of your favorite porn scene is manly. The word you might be looking for is “stupid,” but go with us on this.

 

 

Squirrel Beer

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Imagine drinking a beer that comes in a squirrel. And that squirrel is dressed like the Monopoly guy. If you can’t imagine that, you have failed at being a part of reality because that totally exists and we can barely think of a joke to make about it because it’s at once the most awesome and insane thing that is.

Brewdog, a brewery based out of Utter Insanity but with offices in Scotland decided that, in order to properly market a bottle of 55% alcohol by volume beer, they needed to jam it into a taxidermied squirrel. Or a rabbit. Or a stoat. We had to Google stoat to find out what it is, and it’s absolutely as crazy as having a beer in a squirrel.

The company decided to call this The End of History, because honestly, if you dress a dead squirrel like the Monopoly guy and put a beer in him, there’s not many places left to go in life, and charge $770 for a bottle, meaning the email we sent to the company asking for a free case will probably go unanswered. (Nonetheless, if someone sends us a taxidermied squirrel we will use it in article.  Repeatedly.)Why so pricey? It’s made by a crazy process that reduces hundreds of liters of beer down to one bottle to ensure its massive alcohol content. Plus it’s in a squirrel.

Thunderbird

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Fortified wine that you can buy with pocket change is obviously awesome, but Thunderbird stands head and shoulders above the competition, like Ripple or Night Train Express, because of three things.

#1 – Excessive use of Thunderbird turns your tongue bluish-black

#2 – Thunderbird was specifically made by E & J Gallo to make poor people drunk.

#3 –  Thunderbird used to run this jingle on the radio – “What’s the word? Thunderbird / How’s it sold? Good and cold / What’s the jive? Bird’s alive / What’s the price? Thirty twice.” Now that’s smooth.

Pruno

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Pruno is what happens when felons get industrious and lack any sense of self preservation and/or want something to set the mood for all that prison sex that goes on in prisons.

According to our research, the difference between pruno and vomit is only limited by your imagination. But to be a little more specific, pruno involves a warm place to ferment, some fruit, some sugar, some water and an iron stomach. Possibly a willingness to go blind in exchange for the cheapest buzz of all time as well.

Mix all your ingredients in some manner of storage device, perhaps a bag, and just let it stay warm and disgusting for a while until it smells like the inside of a hobos pants. Once it reaches that point, you may want to strain out of the chunks and invite your friends over for a wine and cheeser.

Crap Beer

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This one is a bit of a misnomer, but the process does involve poop somewhere along the lines and oh man, poop is funny. Ask a toddler. Or a German.

The deal with this beer is that, about 3,500 years ago on the Orkney Islands, the locals really wanted to get crapfaced – keep reading to appreciate that pun – so they had to figure out how to brew up some booze. Since even our primitive relatives knew pruno was disgusting and out of the question, they opted to develop the brewing process. That required a kiln to cook the mixture and, technology being what it was, the kiln had to be made from choice ingredients like dirt and poo.

The beer itself was made from standard beerish ingredients like water and hops and the tears of virgins, but yeah, it was totally cooked in a dung pot. As a fun side note, when some historians took the time to break this story, zany UK reporters who can’t be bothered to listen to the whole story assumed the beer itself was made of poo and published the story as such. It’s likely one of these communication mishaps is responsible for North Korea’s existence.

Absinthe

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Any time something you drink makes you hallucinate, you know you’re in for a party. However, any time something you drink does absolutely nothing different than any other drink, but everyone thinks it makes you hallucinate, then you’ve got yourself a fun, kind of crappy-tasting hoax drink that makes you feel all artsy-fartsy and Oscar Wildish.

Popularized through the 1800’s and still a favorite of sad people who think they’re vampires, absinthe was often enjoyed by writers and artists because of its mind-bending effects. The active ingredient, thujone, was said to induce vivid hallucinations. Awesomely, that wasn’t true. How no one noticed that for a few hundred years is anyone’s guess, but it probably has something to do with the BS culture of bullshit artists all being full of crap.

In fact, absinthe is pretty much the same as any other spirit, and if you drink too much, you may puke all over your goth girlfriend and get muscle spasms, but you won’t be hallucinating. But for being the fraudulently awesome drink of the bohemian art world, absinthe ranks as kind of awesome.

Bacon Vodka

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The most internety drink in existence, bacon vodka is exactly what it sounds like – it’s vodka infused with bacon. Finally, distilled potatoes and pork have found a home together.

The selling point of bacon vodka seems to be making a porky Bloody Mary, which somewhat hinders the manliness of the drink as Bloody Marys tend to be imbibed mostly by art critics, fathers embroiled in mid-life crises and disenfranchised theater types.

The website shares a handful of alternate recipes for drinks that involve such complex ingredients as chocolate, cream and pineapple juice. Our favorite? The Bakon Flip;

• One whole egg
• 1 ½ oz Bakon Vodka
• 1 oz Irish cream
• ½ oz Maple syrup

Mmm, tastes like breakfast at Satan’s house.