Crayola’s Retiring A Crayon Color And I Hope To God It’s One Of These

Crayon king Crayola has announced that, for the first time in its history, they’ll be retiring a color from the classic 24-pack.

Please, let it be one of the following. I could never understand what they were doing in there to begin with:

NITROUS OVERDOSE LIPS BLUE

We’ve all been there. You’re at the Phish concert, buying and hitting balloon after balloon of nitrous from the guys who smuggled in a tank, when your friend points to your mouth and says, in the voice of Telly from Kids, “Look at this fiend, his lips are turning blue!” And you know exactly the shade of blue they’re turning because you’ve seen it on so many other Phish fans: a bruised blue caused by the same oxygen deprivation that’s getting you high for 30 seconds in exchange for lasting brain damage. But for the love of God, did anyone think it might be a little bit inappropriate to name a crayon after this color? Do we really want impressionable young kids to get the idea that it’s OK to like Phish?

ARTERIAL SPRAY RED

Some kids just turn out psychos and there’s nothing you can do about it short of dropping them off in the desert and telling him to go find some rabbits to strangle. And these demented hellions are going to draw storyboards for the next Hostel movie no matter what we call the damn crayons. But why not just call the crayon “red” or “blood.” No need to specify that it’s the blood that erupts from a severed jugular since that’s exactly what it’s going to inspire little Eric to draw.

FUKUSHIMA CHARTREUSE

Fukushima glows at night and any plant that grows in its ground will soon gain sentience and form tentacles. The entire city has a near-neon green hue—chartreuse—that will last for fifty million years. Perhaps it’s a little insensitive to make a crayon out of it? Can we just re-name this color after something more appropriate for kids to be drawing, like absinthe?

BED METH BEIGE

Good meth should be clear. Then again, good meth should be made using professional pharmaceutical equipment and not with Pyrex pots, automotive parts, and battery acid jury-rigged into a lab, but hey, you take what you can get. If you get your meth from someone who obviously made this batch while up for a week on the last one, it’s likely to be a slight beige color. Why the higher-ups at Crayola thought it was a good idea to award this hue its own crayon is beyond me, but I’m sure it has something to do with Breaking Bad. Hey, here’s an idea: why not introduce “Mr. White Blue” or something along those lines? You know, like actually teach the kids what quality should look like?

MALE MUSICAL THEATER MAJOR PINK

Looks like Crayola didn’t get the memo that in the current year we’re not supposed to gender colors or whatever. This is offensive. Pink is not the official color of male musical theater majors, it’s also the preferred hue of hairstylists, casting directors, florists, interior decorators, flight attendants and gay conversion therapists. Stop it. This is not okay. Get woke.

RACHEL DOLEZAL TAN

Do we really want to normalize transracialism? Or has it already become so normalized that I’m going to get angry emails for suggesting it’s complete insanity? If that’s the case forget I said anything but if it’s not too late let’s put an end to this before I have to learn a new list of identities and pronouns so I don’t accidentally fail to show deference to however these people view themselves. Whoops, I meant xemselves.