How Not to Have Sex In A Retirement Community

Imagine yourself in Springfield, at the Springfield Retirement Castle, with a lady friend.  You’re surrounded by old, medicated, wrinkled residents like Grandpa Simpson, Jasper, Old Jewish Man and Hans Moleman.  What do you do?  You already know where we’re going with this so I’ll just say it – dirty, retirement home sex.

Now in a poetic, accepting and positive world, all people are beautiful and we judge each other based on our character and actions and everyone has value.  In the world we actually live in, this is gross because old people.  And worse, look at the two who were actually having sex.  James Adams is a robust 47 and his forest bride, the hilariously named Charm Gilbert, is only 40.

Naturally this occurred in Florida, in an actual retirement community of about 100,000 residents.  Were these two inexplicably retired?  Who knows, but they live in a community where there are 10 women for every man and Viagra is a hot commodity.  Sounds exciting until you figure most of those women are probably north of 60 and rocking titanium hips.

The Meat Market

The couple were caught having sex on an electrical box; Charm with her legs spread and breasts exposed and James 100% bare ass because there’s no need for subtlety or guile in this neighborhood.

You’ll not be surprised to learn this isn’t even the first time this happened, another couple were arrested in June for getting their funk on at the Bait Shack Hut.  In that case the woman, a 69 year old grandmother of 14, was sentenced to 6 months.  Her husband stood by her despite the fact he was not the dude she was bait banging.  No word on what the grandkids thought.

In this most recent case, no one was over 50 and no word on their employment, but if nothing else you have ot assume someone needs to be not retired in a retirement community of 100,000 to keep track of all those retirees.  Maybe Charms Nicolas Sparks books to them while James power washes human fluids off of the Bait shack.  I’m just guessing, though.  Gilbert was arrested earlier in the year for stealing beers and fleeing the scene in a golf cart, so who knows, maybe she’s a professional scofflaw.

Is That Channing Tatum? Nope, just some other stud.

According to residents, and in defiance of logic, The Villages community is just a non-stop party.  Bars serve $3.75 cocktails and according to a 2009 Post story, the local gynecologist treated more cases of herpes and HPV in the community than she did working in Miami.  That’s the absolute grossest thing you’re going to read today.  On 2011, this was backed up by a story in the Orlando Sentinel that found STD cases were on the rise in retirement communities across the country. Sorry if your grandparents live in a retirement community, incidentally.

The saddest thing about the Villages community, where locals will tell you people frequently get caught having sex in golf carts?  Happy hour is 4-9 and everything is shut down by 10 so the residents can go to bed, so all of this criminal debauchery happens before the sun goes down.  Old people; what you gonna do?