Because I definitely have. Lucky for me I’ve never had any run-ins with the fuzz while drunk. Maybe it’s because I’m self-sufficient and don’t need help, or maybe it’s because trying to assist the crying blacked-out girl dribbling pizza down her shirt at 3:45 a.m. on a Wednesday isn’t at the top of any officers’ “To Do” list.
Regardless of my piss-poor drinking abilities, I’ve never been as drunk as Cameron, who got so shitfaced the police had to help him home. Cameron, last name unknown, went out drinking with college friends on Monday, but like most people between the ages of 18 and 21 he got too drunk and club bouncers wouldn’t let him enter. That’s happened to me before – I puked in my wallet on the subway ride home and ate an entire shaker of parmesan cheese at some pizza joint because they wouldn’t accept my barf-soaked currency.
Cameron is a better drunk than I am, in other words.
When police came to pick up Cameron and take him home, they found that he had gotten so drunk he had no idea what his address was. Instead of dumping him off in some random neighborhood just to see if he could figure out how to get home like I would’ve wanted to do, the cops descended into one of his group chats to try and find out where poor Cameron lives:
Notice how the police even changed Cameron’s group chat name to “Such a VIP he has a Police escort.” If you were a member of this group chat, you’d probably think the whole thing is a prank. “That stupid idiot Cameron,” you say as you skim through your phone while taking a bump of some mystery powder you found in a baggie on the floor of the club. “What a moron, thinking we’d be fooled by this half-assed attempt at a prank! Such stupid life choices, what a twat. SNIFFFFFFFFFFFFF.” Realizing that the whole thing sounds like bullshit, the officer went ahead and dispelled all disbelief by sending along a selfie:
As for what wound up happening to Cameron, friends say that he woke up with a much deserved hangover — a much better punishment than spending the night in jail.
Do you have a great blackout drinking story? Tell us in the comments!