Spring is finally here and it’s really just a damp stop gap before summer arrives and we can finally tell our bosses to suck a lemon as we rip off our clothes and make our way to the beach. Ahh, the beach, where if we’re lucky no homeless people are pooping in the sand and we can see all manner of side boob, underboob and cleavage, plus butts. Oh, and there’s water and stuff. It’s great all around, minus the shark and jellyfish issue, but whatever, statistically speaking everyone deserves at least one animal attack in their life. Don’t Google that.
As beach season approaches, you may want to consider upping your game when it comes to having fun. You could bring those cool swim trunks and the rules for a game of Marco Polo, but this stuff would be way more awesome.
Hot Tub Tugboat
Name the two things that could possibly make swimming better. Science says 95% of you just said “a hot tub and a tug boat.” Those that didn’t are known as “abnormal” and will be expunged. Anyway, the hot tub tugboat is a hot tub tug boat (go figure) that you can putter around in at sea because accepting the natural temperature of the ocean is for suckers and peasants. You know, the sorts of people who can’t afford a hot tub tugboat.
It’s wood fired, so it’s practical to have around driftwood or ship wrecks and only costs about $25,000. If you don’t buy one you’re letting the terrorists win.
Historically man and hamster have had a long feud borne from hamsters’ incessant and smug use of hamster balls. When does man get a chance to roll free yet totally safe? Not until now have we had the technology to encapsulate man in his own mighty hamster ball and, what’s more, we can bring friends and head out to sea. The majesty of the water ball, an arguably air tight plastic sphere that can’t possibly be dangerous, is yours for only $400.
Is anything more fun than launching a friend into the air and having them crash to the water? Maybe, but who cares? Next thing you’ll be explaining why ending world hunger is a more worthwhile pursuit than fun at the beach and ruin the mood for everyone.
The Aquaglide Blast is basically a half inflated air pillow that you jump on to cause friends or strangers to go flying. It literally does nothing else and it doesn’t need to because that’s awesome all on its own. Makes regular beach toys look like crap.
Bladefish Sea Scooter
So long as you avoid reading the reviews of this product on Amazon, it’s pretty awesome. A scooter you can use underwater to woosh and zoom about like Captain Nemo himself, chasing down dolphins and outrunning sharks as you master the seas. You’re basically Aquaman with this thing, if Aquaman were cool (which he isn’t).
If you do read the reviews you’ll learn this thing moves you slower than grandma with a bad hip, but maybe you can soup it up or take it over a waterfall or something. Or go to their website where they have newer, fancier models that claim to go up to 4 mph, which seems slow but compared to the 1mph of the one sold on Amazon it ain’t so bad. Only $1090!
Why dive into a pool when you can climb a wall and just fall off of it? Don’t answer that. Can this be used on a beach as opposed to a pool? What am I an engineer? With some duct tape and a hammer you can make anything do anything, so just assume this will work in Tahiti.
Everyone loves a hammock because it demands laziness. You can’t do things in a hammock, you can only hammock in a hammock. There will be nothing else. This hammock lets you extend that laziness to the relative unsafety of the water. It’s like being wrapped in a tarp in the sea, which I think is how the mob gets rid of problems.
If you had to pick a downside to floating in the ocean that doesn’t include shark attacks or deadly jellyfish, it’s probably the lack of booze. Or it used to be! Because now you can float along with your malt liquor and how can that have a downside? It can’t. Can’t and won’t.
I know what you’re thinking – “Hey, I have this bar, and a hot tub, and awesome toys, but what if I want a pulled pork sandwich? Do I have to get out of the water?” Hell no! There’s a BBQ boat. This is exactly what it sounds like and I’m not sure I can say anything else about it.
5 Man Sub
This sub costs $2.7 million so obviously I’ll never even meet someone who worked with someone who lives near a guy who owns one, but that’s cool. Maybe one day I’ll get hit by one in my hammock.