4 Competitions That No One Can Ever Really Win

Not everyone can be a winner, that’s a lesson that’s slowly being forgotten thanks to the overabundance of participation ribbons and awards children get just for existing and barely trying these days.  Time was you had to excel at something and be better than everyone else.  And even then, even if you were the best, you still weren’t necessarily the winner because there are some things at which no one wins.  Like these!

Eating Contests

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So you’re at a state fair, sitting at the table with a handful of opponents.  The judge fires the start pistol or, in this case, probably just farts loudly.  You start cramming boiled wieners into your maw along with shredded bun and cups of water to keep your throat from collapsing.  Weiner after weiner disappears down your throat as you just cram away, biting them in half and swallowing the phallic meat tubes with gusto.  Just as quickly as it started it’s over again.  The final count is tallied in and in just two minutes you’ve consumed 35 hot dogs.  You are the winner!

No, you’re not.  Eating more hot dogs, or pies, or watermelons, or boiled eggs, than someone else will never make you a winner.  Not really. The inherent sadness and awfulness of the task at hand means everyone who partakes in said activity is on the same level of sadness.  Victory is controlling the time and place that you vomit and/or have diarrhea.  No one should aspire to this.

Is gluttony the kind of thing you win at?  No more than shame is, really. 

Soccer in America

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Anywhere else on Earth, having skill at the game of soccer is pretty enviable. Do you know what they used to pay that guy who married that Spice Girl?  It was a lot of money.  Soccer is huge around the world but man, show it to an American audience and look out.

Now internationally people like to mock America but let’s be reasonable, the world loves America and just hates that it loves it. America is like the hot girl you want to bone who sometimes comes over but a lot of times blows you off for other dudes in an infuriating way.  You pretend to hate her when she treats you like crap but you’d still do anything she asked because you’re obsessed with her.  American pop culture, movies, music, food, technology, business and, of course, money – everyone loves those things.  So there’s got to be something behind the fact no one here likes soccer.

You win at soccer in America you may as well be winning at Magic: the Gathering.  Sure, someone probably cares but you better not be on TV wasting our time with it because we don’t and neither does anyone we know.  Soccer is like being immune to the plague, is it even relevant?  What time is football on?

Air Guitar

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The day a person discovers there are actual air guitar competitions is the day a little piece of that person dies.  The piece that believed in humankind. 

We get what air guitar is and even that, on some level, if you knew the precise fingering of a song, such that if you had a real guitar in your hands, you could actually be playing the song you’re air guitaring along to, that would make you a excellent air guitarist.  But here’s the thing – air guitar isn’t a thing!  Like literally, the definition is pretending to do a real thing but not.  Why not just do the real thing?

You’ll be surprised how passionately air guitar fans defend this hobby, if any find their way to the comments we’ll be treated with a long explanation of the time and skill and showmanship of these competitions and how popular they are and how obviously none of this is valid in the face of that, but it’s not an issue of validity, it’s not even up for debate.  To air guitar you literally, by definition, have to have nothing in your hands.  Not doing something is an integral part of how this hobby works. So whoever wins a competition is best at not doing anything, and that’s just weird.


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There are, oddly, masturbation competitions but do we really even need to get into that?  Does anyone need to be told that they are not the winner of jerking off?  Two things need to be made clear here.  First, when it comes to masturbation, everyone technically wins so long as they finish.  You can’t win more than me because it took you longer, that doesn’t make sense.  If anything I win if I finish first, that’s usually how winning works.  But regardless of all of that, you can’t compete at something that by definition is specifically designed to be totally doable by yourself without setting up some kind of arbitrary rules that demean the very nature of what you’re doing.  It’s like competitive Solitaire.  The moment you include other people in the mix you’re losing the spirit of the thing and cheapening it for everyone.  Stop trying to be a show off.