Have you ever wanted to send someone you hate a box of turds but didn’t want the package traced back to you? That’s why you need a middle man as your fecal accomplice. Like some sort of illicit poo carrying FedEx that covers its tracks through the anonymity of the internet, a website called Shit Express has set up a service to cater to this foul need. Their slogan is “A simple way to send shit in a box around the world.” Sounds like a shitty company.
Here is a package… for me to poop on! No really, there is poop inside.
So if you’re an asshole and you know it, you might want to take note of this story. This should serve as a warning to you that if a delivery man shows up at your door covered in all brown, he might not be from UPS.
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What a crappy plan.
To protect your identity Shit Express only takes Bitcoins or other “crypto currency” so the transaction is not traceable. After all; in most countries sending a box of disease filled animal dung through the postal system is illegal. You know when you go to the post office to mail a package and they ask you “Anything fragile, liquid, flammable or potentially hazardous” – before trying to sell you a book of Mickey Mouse stamps? Yeah, well some people might consider a box of actual animal feces “potentially hazardous.” As Biff would say “Manure? I hate manure!”
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Shit Express also makes deliveries with a DeLorean Time Machine.
Shit Express is an artisanal shit mailing service with many options of animal excrement to match what type of hatred you have. You can choose from multiple animals with different colors, smells and consistency. Maybe that neighbor that left dog crap in your yard needs an extra runny, stench filled box of caca. And if you are celebrating a birthday or holiday, Shit Express also gift wraps their wretched wares all for the equivalent of about $17. That’s probably some of the cheapest shit you ever bought!
Editor’s Note: I know what you are thinking, but no, we didn’t just “make this shit up.” If you think we did go ahead and mail yourself a box from Shit Express to see if it really works. Let us know!
Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney