Campus Cheerleader tryouts: the time honored tradition of separating the ladies from the awkward, overweight girls. In an effort to make sure that this year’s tryouts go smoothly and they don’t have any fuglies showing up, several cheer teams from different college campuses released infographics with specific details on what they expect their hotties to look like. They are just doing a public service. How are we supposed to cheer for our favorite college sports team if their cheerleaders look like they just got run over by the team bus?
The University of Washington Huskies are looking for cheerleaders as long as they are not husky. The school’s cheer and dance team posted this infographic to their Facebook page with all the deets on what makes a successful cheer candidate:
Wait, can we have one of these for everyone?
Seems about right, what would you add? Basically don’t have skanky makeup, show your ripped belly and look hot. Or as the kids say “don’t be a basic bitch.” The team said they posted this information in response to a large volume of questions about the requirements for the tryouts. Although it would have been quicker to just tell cheerleader applicants to “Be a Future Stepford Wife.” Makes sense. However many liberal feminists on the college campus and elsewhere were quick to denounce this information with a series of tweets as the outrage went viral last week. Give me an U! Give me a G, give me an H!
LSU likes 'em barefoot. Nice.
The main requirement for being a cheerleader is that you are attractive and are physically fit enough to be able to perform the dance moves. It is a job with physical requirements. Just like other physically demanding jobs, you are going to need to be a certain weight and have a certain look. I myself am a flat footed, fat fuck and probably won’t be getting a modeling gig anytime soon.
1. A Member Of The Rockettes
Start spreading the news: you have to be able to do the high kicks to be a member of the world famous Rockettetes who perform at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. Specifically Rockettes are also required to be between 5’6’’ and 5’10 ½’’ –(no super tall lanky chicks!) and be “proficient in ballet, tap, and jazz.” A lot of those hot cheerleaders wouldn’t make the cut since Twerking wasn’t listed.
2. A Professional Basketball Player
Everyone thinks you have to be really tall to play basketball. And yes, Danny Devito is not joining the LA Lakers anytime soon. Not because he is short. Anyone remember Spud Webb? Dude was 5’ 7’’ and won the slam dunk competition. No, because while Danny Devito was the greatest Batman villain in cinema history, he is bad at basketball and his 71-year-old ass might get trampled to death. You need to be able to do your job!
3. A US Air Force Fighter Pilot
According to the US Air Force, potential pilots must be between 64 and 77 inches tall and weigh between 160 and 231 pounds in order to fit in the cockpit. Also before you go doing barrel rolls with Goose, you are going to need a college degree, and to make through The Air Force Academy, ROTC or OTS military training. So hopefully the Air Force doesn’t release an infographic “body shaming” what it takes to be an airman.
4. A Flight Attendant
Speaking of flying: stewardesses! Back in the good old days they used to be called “stewardesses” until the PC crowd came up with the more gender neutral “flight attendant.” Whatever you call them there are strict height and weight requirements for the persons serving you peanuts and mini booze bottles while you sucker punch the guy in front of you over a legroom dispute. In America of course they have done away with weight restrictions for potential flight attendants, wink- wink. Although for height, attendants must be a minimum of 5’0 and a maximum of 6’4. They simply say your weight should be proportional to your height, which is code for no fatties. Nobody wants the aisle clogged in an emergency by Delores who never came back with that second bag of peanuts.
5. A Firefighter
Not sure how this protects her from fire but rules are rules.
Being a firefighter can have some tough requirements with most departments having an age range of 18 to 29. Firefighter candidates are given what is known as a CPAT, a test designed to evaluate before they are even allowed into the fire fighter academy. You have to be able to climb stairs with heavy equipment for three minutes at sixty steps per minute, drag a 200 foot hose, carry power tools, perform a forcible entry and raise an extension ladder among other physical stuff you haven’t thought about since you watched Backdraft. So it would have been good for firemen to release an info graphic of these requirements before some tubby puts down the Xbox control, gets off the couch and decides he wants to be a real fire fighter.
6. Miss America
To be fair to the other contestants we wouldn't want to start letting fatties in after these gals worked so hard to stay in shape for that swimsuit competition, right? In 1999 the Miss America pageant changed the rules it had held in place for almost 50 years to keep with the times; contestants could now have had abortions or been married. Before that no married chicks or baby mammas of any kind were allowed. And while today women can be divorced, they must sign a statement saying they are “unmarried, not pregnant, and not the adoptive or biological parent of a child.” Also you must be between the ages of 17 and 24. Miss Delaware was recently stripped of her title for being 25 and thus ineligible to represent Delaware at the Miss America pageant. No chicks with kids, gross!
It’s not just the ladies being body shamed. Outrageously the iconic Chippendale dancers are required to be at least a manly 6 feet tall and have visible six pack abs. How offensive, what do I have to be Thor now to be a Chippendale!? Men should unite to fight this unrealistic body standard! Just kidding, nobody gives a shit about guys getting “body shamed.”
Depending on what type of doctor you would like to be, being a doctor has some tough requirements. First you need to complete four years of college, then four years of medical school and an additional three to seven years in residency training before they let you work on humans and you get your medical license. Or we should just let any old dumb people start practicing medicine if they don’t meet these requirements? We don’t want to offend the uneducated now do we?
What jobs do you think have strict requirements for a reason?!
Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney