Another week, another set of stories that can’t possibly live up to their headlines.
How Many Kisses Have You Mastered?
What We Thought: Well, there’s a closed mouth kiss, an open mouth kiss, a tongue kiss…what the hell did the Latin peoples do to build on that?
What it Was: a long Romeo and Juliet type story about Latin lovers who were caught by the girl’s father. Father kills the daughter and now the alley where they kissed is a tourist destination for lovers who want to kiss on their lucky step to have a blessed romance. Also, a tiny guide to kissing that does, in fact, include 5 types of kisses including this winner the Altar boy (when the tongue touches the church bell, which also means the mouth’s “uvula” in Spanish). If you could lick someone’s uvula, wouldn’t that cause them to puke in your mouth?
We Choo Choo Choose You
What We Thought: This is crafty clickbait insofar as, first, there’s only two options anyway, so we have a 50/50 chance of just guessing without even clicking, and second, it clearly knows that so it just doesn’t say what it means. This is literally a one sentence story that they’ve buried under another lead in sentence.
What it Was: Hillary Clinton. See, just two words. Saves ink. Or…bandwidth. Whatever.
The Greatest Crapper of All Time
What We Thought: It’s a toilet with a defibrillator in it?
What it Was: it’s just a portable toilet for people who don’t have access to toilets. Didn’t they invent these ages ago?
It’s Vegan if No One Sees You Eat the Meat
What We Thought: Vegans have broken down and decided to include steak as a vegetable because it’s for the good of mankind.
What it Was: It’s vegans who eat eggs. So not actually vegans at all. It’s vegetarians who eat eggs. Which, realistically, is pretty much on par with a vegetarian who eats steak. We got this one right!
What we Thought: We’re doomed! Sharks have organized and are rebelling!
What it Was: 98 shark attacks in a year? More people are killed on average by cows than sharks.
Jack Nicklaus: Golf Legend, Hobo
What we Thought: Old Jack must have spent all his money on blow
What it Was: The story is about how money isn’t his sole motivator and he’s a successful businessman and also clearly in no danger of dying penniless. But if he did die penniless he wouldn’t care. But he’s not going to. Because he’s pretty rich.