7 Christmas Movies For People Who Hate Christmas Movies

There are literally one billion movies about Christmas out there and if people like Kirk Cameron have their way, each year will see more and worse ones being produced.  And while some stand the test of time and amuse people like Miracle on 34th Street or Bad Santa, others like Santa with Muscles or Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas exist to make you hate the season and everything it’s about.

If you’re sick of all the Christmas cheer being shoved down your stocking, then fear not! The world is rife with Christmas movies that inexplicably ignore everything about Christmas in a way that makes you wonder why the director set the film during Christmas at all.  Watch them and enjoy this holiday season!

Die Hard

This and its sequel are probably the most well-known non-Christmas Christmas movies in existence.  It’s not that no one knows or remembers Die Hard is a Christmas movie, it’ just that no one knows why it’s a Christmas movie.  In terms of plot, the Christmas aspect of the story is only relevant to maybe set up a reason for so many people to be in the building after hours.  Maybe.  And it made for a fun scene when John McClane kills the nerdy German and writes “Now I have a machine gun. Ho-ho-ho” on his K Mart sweater.

Batman Returns

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Some people consider this the best batman film ever made, because maybe they haven’t seen any other Batman movies except Batman Forever and Batman and Robin.  Which isn’t to say this is a bad movie, it’s just not better than the Christopher Nolan Batman movies and to prove this may we direct your attention to giant penguins with rockets strapped to their backs.

This one featured Catwoman and the Penguin, so it was like some sort of psychosexual exercise in desire and repulsion for Batman.  Danny DeVito really is gross, but give him flippers and a fat suit and, well, gross.  But he is the coolest Penguin ever put on screen, ever so slightly edging out this nerdy kid currently on Gotham who isn’t fat and doesn’t have an umbrella gun.  Also, this movie happens at Christmas because.  That’s the legitimate end of that sentence.

Crash

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This is some fun, light viewing for the holidays!  It’s mostly about racism, which seems to be pretty popular these days, so that’s something.  And really, it’s a decent movie, if somewhat heavy.  It also features Terrence Howard, who quit the iron man movies because he thought he was better than he was.  Ha ha!  Don Cheadle is spending your money.

Why does Crash involve Christmas?  No one knows.  Maybe as some kind of parable, something to do with the reason for the season (as they say) contrasted with the themes in the movie?  Paul Haggis probably had a good reason for it but he won’t return our emails.

Lethal Weapon

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Why do Riggs and Murtaugh battle the forces of Gary Busey over Christmas holidays?  No one knows, except director Shane Black, who sets all of his movies at Christmas.  Please see Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and Iron Man 3, which is also on this list.  Shane Black likes Christmas, but not anything about Christmas. 

This movie set the standard for buddy cop films and also rocketed the clichéd Riggs-type cop character into the stratosphere.  Sure he just seems like a cop, but he apparently also found some time ot not just be in the armed forced, he went through special forces training and went on covert missions and then retired and then became a cop.  He has lots of free time!

Is Christmas relevant to the plot of this movie at all?  There’s a Christmas scene in it in which Riggs gets to join Murtaugh’s family.  That’s about it.  Heartwarming!

Trading Places

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It doesn’t matter why this movie takes place over Christmas because you get to see Jamie Lee Curtis’ boobs in it, and they’re pretty alright. Also, there’s a scene in which drunken, loser Dan Aykroyd, dressed as Santa, tries to eat salmon through his dirty beard, which is pretty hilarious.

This movie ranks as one of Eddie Murphy’s finest, back before he fell off the rails and was still awesome.  There’s also stuffy old racists and a prostitute, plus a gorilla.  It’s hard to go wrong with this movie.  Is the Christmas part relevant to the story?  Again, only insofar as the sight gag of drunken Santa Aykroyd is relevant to the story, which it isn’t.

Rocky IV

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So Apollo is dead and to get revenge, Rocky must beat up Ivan Drago, in Russia, on Christmas Day.  Then all the Russians cheer for him as he ends the Cold War because Rocky is so good at being American he made the Russians not want to be Russians anymore and then there was a robot.  God this movie is awesome.

Iron Man 3

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Shane Black is back on the attack with Iron man 3.  Rumor has it this is the 6th highest grossing movie of all time.  The 6th!  That’s amazing.  Especially when you consider there’s about 4 movies happening in this one film.  Or maybe it just seems that way in retrospect due to all the movies Iron Man tends to show up in these days.  But didn’t this have that kid in it?  And the Mandarin?  Plus that flamey guy and flamey Paltrow?  Plus all the Iron Man suits? Plus Iron patriot?  There’s just a lot of crap going on in this movie.  Not the least of which is Christmas.  Actually that’s not true, that is the least of which.

Christmas lends nothing at all to Iron Man 3, you just have to accept that Shane Black likes action during the holidays.