A 30 year old Chinese woman has just been convicted of assaulting a police officer during a protest back in March. Her weapon of choice? Boob. Dangerous, terrifying boob.
Ng Lai-ying said that, during the protest, an officer reached across her chest to grab the strap of a bag on her arm, causing his hand to come in contact with the upper portion of her breast. At this point she naturally screamed “indecent assault!” because people are reactionary assholes all around the world.
The judge in her case wasn’t buying her testimony that the cop molested her and, instead, turned it right around on her by saying she used her breast to bump the officer’s arm. “You used your female identity to trump up the allegation that the officer had molested you. This is a malicious act,” said the judge, and all through the police headquarters officers laughed and pointed at their boob-fearing colleague.
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The officer in question probably suffered a broken arm, maybe a fractured pelvis, it’s hard to judge just how catastrophic this boob assault must have been to merit an entire trial that actually ended in a conviction. There weren’t a lot of details provided but we can have hopes and dreams about what transpired. Like maybe the woman had massive quadruple-D boobs, and maybe she jumped off of a truck and crashed into the officer’s arm, shattering his ulna like a breadstick and knocking him back into the fray.
The officer maybe got to his feet in a vain attempt to defend himself with his one good arm and then the woman spun like a top, her breasts suddenly like the teeth of a chainsaw, spinning through the air and biting mercilessly into anything that got close. Officers, other protestors, even police vehicles were chewed to pieces as she spun ever closer to her prey. The brave officer lifted his side arm shakily, but an errant nipple clipped the barrel, the steel burning away white hot. A second nipple strike shattered the metal as though it were glass, fracturing the man’s hand in the process. He crumpled to the ground, defeated, frightened, in awe of the intense boob fury before him, wishing he had handled this another way, wishing he had never even gone into work this morning, and just as ol’ lefty is about to crash down on his head, ending his life and pummeling his skull down into his torso, the woman’s bra strap snaps and she;s sent all topsy turvy.
Seizing their opportunity, other officer’s leap onto the Boob Bandit, restraining her and her breasts in the same sort of unit they used to house Juggernaut in that really bad X-men movie. And so the police force was saved and that one beaten officer survived, though maimed, to bravely testify against her in court.
Maybe that’s what happened. Anyway, she’ll be sentenced at the end of the month.