Is China Exporting Cans Of Human Flesh Meat?

In the African nation of Zambia citizens are concerned that Chinese imports of canned corned beef might be a tad tainted… with HUMAN FLESH. It has been reported on social media and even in Zambian newspapers that China is taking dead bodies, marinating them, putting them in cans and selling them to African supermarket chains. It’s like if Sweeney Todd totally sold out and went mainstream! 

Corned beef is PEOPLE! It’s people!!!

It might seem like a far-fetched scheme. Why would China use dead bodies for their meat products? Reports in Zambia quote a Chinese meat packing worker as saying that “China had run out of space to bury their dead.” So this was an economical way of dealing with overcrowded cemeteries.

Chinese meat production has come under fire before. Last year it was reported that meat was being sold in China that had been traveling around frozen and unfrozen for forty years. So if forty year old Chinese meat is a thing, then a few corpses mixed in with the corned beef is not that crazy. You know what they say. When China is full, the dead shall inherit the corned beef.

Besides, I’m not sure why everyone is so pissed off. Isn’t this more of a labeling issue? Like the whole GMO thing? If China just labels meat products with a sticker saying “May contain human flesh” would everyone stop complaining? Put a little A1 sauce on that dead Chinese guy and bam! You have dinner for the whole family! Wait, where is Grandpa? Grandpa is never late for dinner.

Always Sunny’ predicted this!

Zambians can rest easy knowing that their countrymen have probably not inadvertently all become Jeffrey Dahmer. Chinese officials are outraged by the accusations that were widely reported by Chinese state media and in Zambia. Chinese Ambassador to Zambia Yang Youming said in a statement:

“This is completely a malicious slandering and vilification, which is absolutely unacceptable to us. People with ulterior motives are attempting to destroy the long-standing partnership between Zambia and China.”

Chinese and Zambian officials have declared the whole thing a hoax. So if this is all just a hoax, that means someone took the time to sculpt a beautiful woman made of meat and we don’t have to feel weird about eating her. Fire up the barbeque! Now take the Break Poll!


Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney