Florida Now Has Zombie Cats

Florida has a lot more to offer the world than just old people and Cuban cuisine; there’s also endless old people jokes, a Bush and, now, zombie cats.  In Tampa this past week, Bart the cat probably lost all 9 of his rat-chasing, crotch-licking lives when he ran afoul of a car.  This kind of story isn’t terribly uncommon and is usually the point where you tell kids that Mr. Kitty went to live on a farm upstate.  Except kitty came back from the farm and Stephen King had nothing to do with it that we’re aware of.

According to Bart’s owner, after losing his pet to the accident he was too upset to send his little friend off with a proper ceremony, so he asked a neighbor if he wouldn’t mind digging a shallow grave and hucking Bart in with a few kind words about tuna in the afterlife.  And so a few shovel jabs later, Bart was 16 inches under and ready to fertilize a new crop of weeds.  Or so it seemed!  Cue the ominous pipe-organ music.

Like any good zombie or Frankenstein’s monster, Bart took a brief sabbatical from life, in this case 5 days, before crawling back from the Great Beyond, and heading home to meow for food at the door.  What kind of food?  Brains?  Eh, he’s a cat.  Probably chicken or whatever.   

Bart’s owner, probably in need of a change of shorts, took the cat to the Humane Society where, with the help of Save-a-Pet Medical Fund, which Bart probably wishes had found him 5 days earlier, Bart will have an eye removed and a feeding tube inserted after his jaw is wired shut because, and this can’t be stressed enough, he was hit by a car and mostly dead for 5 days.  He’s not in good condition.  But the point is he will recover.

No word from Bart’s owner on whether or not Fred Gwynne warned him about burying the cat there or not, or if its return has had any evil and/or deadly undertones, but the story is still pretty young.

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“Sometimes dead is better.”

Bart’s recovery is expected to take about 6 weeks, which isn’t bad considering he’s recovery from being dead for most of a week, and then he should be a healthy little beast again.  Or a monstrous abomination.

If this story seems far-fetched or like it’s taking liberties and of course Bart wasn’t really dead, never forget that over a billion people on Earth identify as Christian and, by definition, believe Jesus died, waited three days, then rose again.  So it takes a cat two more days, can you blame him?  He’s just a cat.  How fast could you raise yourself from the dead?