Everything You Need To Know About Canada On Canada Day

Say, are you Canadian?  Then go make me a sandwich.  Ha ha!  Now apologize!

Everyone else, you are probably anxious to learn about Canada because today is Canada day, a day like July 4th but less spectacular because it’s three days early and doesn’t celebrate a hard fought independence from Britain but rather the day Britain let them become their own country that Britain kept an eye on.  It’s quite adorable, really.  So, if you want to learn about Canada but have no way of getting into a Canadian bog or “crannog” where Canadians are known to live and engage in rudimentary commerce to ask them about their lifestyle, you may be worried.  Well worry no longer!  We caught a Canadian just outside of Buffalo, New York, fed it some oats and gave it a blanket and now it answers all of our needless questions and, in turn, yours!  Come and join us as we learn all there is to know about the true North strong and free (that’s a line from their manifesto on elk suffrage, aka national anthem).

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  • Canada’s chief exports include petroleum products, lumber, cars, aluminum, beaver pelts, terrible bands and gremlins.
  • Canada’s government is a constitutional monarchy with an elected Parliament and a Queen who is decided upon by a Once-per-decade bloodsport that takes place in Newfoundland.
  • Canada has 10 provinces, 3 territories and 16 Dead Zones in which no laws apply but you can find untold riches, unicorns and everlasting fame, should you survive the roving bands of Nickelback fans and well-armed lumberjacks.
  • Canadian currency is similar to American in that they have paper money typically in denominations of $100, $50, $20, $10 and $5.  Unlike Americans, Canadians replaced $2 bills and $1 bills with handfuls of corn. You may be surprised to learn Canadian money is actually sometimes worth more than American, but only because the American economy is terrible and yo yos like a soccer mom on a diet.  Currently the Canadian dollar is not worth more than an American one.  Nice try, Canada.
  • Canada enjoys a diverse variety of wildlife including the beaver, moose, fox, polar bears, grizzly bears and Celine Dion.  None are to be trifled with.  All carry rabies.
  • Canada’s largest cities include Toronto, Vancouver, Montreal and Bumf*ck.  That asterisk is actually in the name because they don’t like to swear.
  • Canadian food can be diverse but also all commercially produced foods must include maple syrup.
  • Northern Canadians are monotremes.
  • Canadian forests can move.
  • A Canadian invented basketball and then gave it away to someone who could make better use of it.
  • Canada gave the world numerous famous comedians including John Candy, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Rick Moranis, Norm McDonald, Seth Rogen and Dan Aykroyd.  Canada did not produce Larry the Cable Guy, so why not thank a Canadian today?
  • Toronto is one of the most diverse cities in the world and the 4th largest city in all of North America.  Of the 2.8 million in the city itself, over 1 million know all the words to “One Week” by the Barenaked Ladies.
  • Every summer after Canadian houses melt, the citizens simply live in public parks until the next snowfall.
  • No one in Canada likes Brian Adams.

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Happy Birthday Canada.  You guys are swell.