Can Someone Please Explain WTF Has Happened To Sammy Sosa?

49-year-old Sammy Sosa may have once been a baseball superstar for the Chicago Cubs, but since retiring in 2008 he’s done his goddamn best to make sure no one remembers his baseball career. I had to look all that information up partially because I’m not a big sports gal, but mostly because the only thing that gets uttered in the same sentence as “Sammy Sosa” anymore is some combination of “What the actual fuck happened to him?”

No, seriously – it’s obvious the dude has been getting his skin whitened for years, but neither he nor his agents has explained WHY. You’d think a famous black dude would do his best to stay black after all the flak Michael Jackson got, yet here Sammy is, looking like he’s about to drop a children’s sing-a-long country album.

The photo in question is from his wife’s recent “Hispanic wait staff at any given Mexican restaurant with a mariachi band” themed birthday party, where Sammy managed to dress up as the whitest looking thing possible despite being a giant black man. Understandably, people were confused…

…but we still don’t have any answers. You’d think he would’ve lightened himself to a caramel mocha shade before realizing he should just quit while he’s ahead, yet here we are, years later with a Sammy Sosa who looks like a box of melted candy canes from last Christmas.

Seriously – someone out there has to have the answer.

WTF happened to Sammy Sosa?