Calvin Klein Faked Justin Bieber’s Package Obviously

It’s a sad day when anyone has to write “news” about Justin Bieber’s wang, but here we are.  After TMZ broke the life-altering story of how Calvin Klein’s team of computer fakerists digitally added hair to Justin Bieber’s midsection to make it appear as though he’s a man, other websites decided to compare the published photos with the unretouched versions, and wouldn’t you know it, photoshop galore.

In the world of modelling, photoshop is abused constantly but, let’s not forget, people call out magazines for doing this to women constantly.  So it’s only fair Bieber gets a little scrutiny that turns out to be more embarrassing than just giving a model a thinner waist and bigger boobs.  For instance, they basically turned Bieber from a boy into a man.  Not only does he have digital pubes now, they gave him abs and all over body muscle tone.  They made his arms and chest and back bigger and, for the lonely girls still hitching their wagon to this few-years-past-expiration star, they pumped up his wang about 6 fold.  That’s not even a joke, compare the original to the finished version and the difference is staggering,  He practically had an innie in that first pic.

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Here’s the thing about wieners – if you’re not using it, it’s basically milk in the fridge.  You have it, but it’s put away.  No one can see it because no one needs to see it.  This shouldn’t be a source of embarrassment because, for like 90% of dudes, it’s how everyone looks and if a woman doesn’t know that yet she just hasn’t seen a limp noodle and who cares what a naïve virgin thinks about the state of dong in the world?  This senseless package buffing does nothing except reinforce stereotypes, like the one about Justin Bieber being a man.

Honestly, Justin Bieber has about a billion fans, more money than God, and is on top of the world.  Why does he need photo fakery at this point?  What’s the gain here?  Is this all ego now, are we just pandering to the richest manchild on the block?  And it’s not like he’s a fat, three-armed circus person without the use of photoshop, so who cares?  You’re just making the rest of the world feel bad and making Calvin Klein and Bieber look like complete idiots as a result of all of this being exposed, which was obviously going to happen.

And that brings us to this – isn’t this obvious?  Did Calvin Klein know this was going to happen?  You bet they did. Of course they did.  Of course the untouched photos just “leaked” somehow, like they were printed off at the local library and someone left their SD card in the computer by mistake, right?  Come on now.  Taking pics of a celebrity for your underwear ads will get 1000 people’s attention.  Taking pics and then knowingly, glaringly photoshopping them while making the originals accidentally available will allow the TMZ’s and other media Colombo’s of the world salivate at the prospect of breaking this hard hitting and deeply mysterious story in a way that ensures it stays in trending news for what, three days now?  The better part of a week.  And it’ll keep going, now that it’s “controversial.”  That’s how you run an ad campaign.

Sure, Bieber in panties is a great way to get the attention of teen girls.  But a Bieber scandal, Bieber who everyone loves to hate, who most media outlets are always waiting on to screw up somehow so they can make fun of him, this is just spoon feeding them baby food.  Whoever runs marketing at Calvin Klein is a bloody genius for finding a spokesman they could run both legitimately to appeal to his fans, and then who they could screw over so his non-fans could get involved, too.  The only one who probably had no idea he was going to be raked over the coals for this whole campaign was Bieber himself who seems far too into himself to realize how easy it was for Calvin Klein to play him.

So hat’s off to CK for using and abusing a spokesperson for financial gain.  You guys are cold.  But it works.