Want To Be A Criminal? Head To The UK!

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Sep. 04, 2014

We often hear statistics that crime rates are much lower in many European countries and places like Finland are apparently like paradise on earth where the most dangerous criminals are people who jaywalk and everyone gets free money just for smiling.  The UK isn’t that much different and the cops there don’t even carry guns, though given those riots from not too long ago things might not be all spotted dick and afternoon tea there.  But still, it’s more laid back and chill than America and here’s some proof – the cops there no longer give a damn.

To clarify the police lack of damns to give, looks like in a number of precincts cops have resorted to asking citizens with complaints to maybe look into solving the crimes themselves.  Someone stole your car?  Maybe you could find camera footage of the crime, or some fingerprints?  Yeah, because the cops don’t really have time for that.

Officials are blaming austerity, policies to curb the budget, as the reason for some crimes being “nearly decriminalized” and all but ignored.  An investigator into the police force has called it an overall mindset that they’ve given up, so it’s not policy that the cops wouldn’t investigate if someone punches you in the face, it’s that they all just think it’s not worth doing, so effectively they won’t do it and instead they’ll maybe just suggest you could do it yourself.  After all, you were there, you already have a leg up on the investigation.  Cops are just a needless 3rd party at this point.

The investigation into police procedure showed that when victims of crimes like car or property theft called the police, they would be asked questions to assess how likely it was that cops could solve the crime.  If it seemed like a dead end, they’d be told to check with neighbors or check sites like Craigslist to see if their stolen property was being sold there. 

Blimey, I need to pinch this lorry so I can afford more crumpets, Guv'nah!

Across the country the police response seems to vary based on literally no standards whatsoever.  In Warwickshire police only show up to 39% of calls, possibly because it’s a brazen hellhole of lawlessness or possibly because all the cops are busy playing Xbox, no real reason was given.

In the saddest example of a bright side ever given, the report points out that some police forces will show up to 100% of crime scenes and the Metropolitan police in London, the largest force in the country, will absolutely show up to your crime scene if you ask them to.  If you ask them to.  So basically British police are like that girl you had a crush on at the highschool dance, just waiting on the other side of the gym for you to notice her.

A number of police forces were unable to determine who, if anyone, might be wanted for a crime, and 19 police forces couldn’t tell the investigators what crimes they bothered to show up for and which ones they skipped.

If you’re looking for a lucrative career in car stereo theft then the UK is the place you want to be, where only 6 police forces will bother to investigate 100% of all crimes.  It’s a bit of a crap shoot with the other ones but with Warwickshire’s 39% investigation rate odds are in your favor that you could be the English Al Capone inside a year if you play your cards right.  Good luck!