Bears. Sharks. Two of nature’s scariest animals. Both frightening in their own ways. But which one makes you more of a man once you destroy its soul with your own two manly hands? Is it a bear, the killing machine of the forest? Or is it a shark, the ocean’s devil monster? This is an intense debate, one that has raged on for centuries. And today, we want to decide the answer once and for all.
Mark: Bears and sharks are two of nature’s most ferocious and awesome creatures. If you fight one and live, then you’re probably one of the manliest men ever. However, on that note, I believe it’s way cooler to fight a shark.
Fred: Well, as it so happens, I believe it’s way cooler to fight a bear, so shut the hell up about it.
Mark: Slow down. A bear? Really? You think it’s cooler to kill what is basically a glorified Ewok?
Fred: Ewok? Try Wookiee. And to be honest, a bear could even kick a Wookiee’s ass, provided the Wookiee didn’t show up with a pussy-ass crossbow.
Mark: Meanwhile, the shark is just chilling, waiting for all these furry bitches to stop arguing and get to being eaten.
Fred: The only way a shark is going to eat a bear is if you chopped up a bear carcass and threw it into the ocean. Otherwise, your glorified fish wouldn’t stand a chance. In order to kill a bear you need some serious fire power, or at the very least, a bunch of dudes with some really long spears. You know how to kill a shark? With a hook and some string. Pretty pathetic.
Mark: Oh! There you go oversimplifying everything. If it’s that simple to kill a shark, then all you have to do to kill a bear is put some cyanide in a picnic basket and wait for that fat f**k to come steal it. Sharks aren’t even fully evolved yet. Bears are. They are already on land being fat and boring. Sharks will get legs someday. In, like, 20 years or however long evolution takes to work, they’ll get legs and then we’re all truly f**ked.
The good news is that shark repellent still works on evolved sharks.
Fred: I‘m not sure you fully understand the theory of evolution. And I know you don’t understand the awesomeness of bears. If you did, you wouldn’t have to resort to making fun of their weight. Yes, bears can get a little chubby late in the fall, but that’s just because they don’t eat or drink for the entire winter. I’d like to see a shark pull that shit.
Mark: I don’t need to understand evolution to know that it exists, Fred. Humans aren’t used to a shark’s environment. We’re at a complete disadvantage when we want to fight them. We can’t swim as well, and we can’t tread water or breathe underwater. Humans are at a HUGE disadvantage from the start!
Fred: What you’re saying is that a shark’s main advantage is that it lives in the water. That’s true. But the same is true if I’m fighting a whale, or a seal, or a pussy-ass dolphin. A bear, on the other hand, is going to kick your ass no matter where you encounter it. In the woods, in the middle of a street, on top of a moving semi-truck: it doesn’t matter. And to make matters worse, bears can f**king swim. In fact, polar bears spend their whole lives in the arctic ocean! Have you ever seen a shark that spends most of its time on land?
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That bear doesn’t have a mask! We’ll know who it really is!
Mark: I have heard of a land shark, Fred, because they will exist in the future. Maybe re-read what I’ve said before (also, Land Shark is a type of okay beer). Listen, I get what you’re trying to say. Your cute, furry bears can be all scary and stuff. But sharks have ROWS of teeth to rip your flesh to shreds. How many rows do bears have? One. And last time I checked, rows mean more than one. I just can’t see how fighting a bear on ground is more manly than fighting a bear in the water.
Fred: A bear doesn’t need “rows of teeth.” One set of bear teeth is more than enough, because by time the teeth hit you, you’re already dead. Unlike a shark, which can only attack you with its mouth, a bear has giant bear claws that will rip you to shreds. Not to mention the fact that bears can weigh up to 1500 lbs. Granted, I’m sure sharks get pretty heavy as well. But they can’t exactly stand on top of you without legs, now can they? Besides, even if they had legs, what good is all that weight going to do in the water? Clearly the bear is the superior killing machine.
Mark: How can you escape a bear? Try running. You have an outlet. If you run fast enough, you’ll be fine. But a shark? You can only swim. And unless you’re Michael Phelps, you aren’t getting away. So yeah, bears are strong and have claws and legs but its environment is also yours. A shark’s environment? That’s his own and that’s why a shark is the superior killing machine.
The Judge’s Decision –
Earnest – Well, once again, I’m finding for Fred. Why? Because Fred did to Mark’s argument what a bear would do to Mark’s torso. Let me clarify, destroying a shark with your bare hands would be a tremendous accomplishment, one for which anyone should be praised and/or fined, depending on the shark’s endangered species status. However, the only time you would ever need to destroy a shark would be when you went out looking for aquatic trouble. Bears, on the other hand, are a clear and present danger across great swaths of America, and if one rolls up on you, you’ve got trouble because they’ve got so many ways to intimidate, beat, humiliate and obliterate you. Thus, if you are able to defeat a bear, you are a hero worthy of, at the very least, a certificate of achievement, a beer, and the reverence of your friends and family.
I am instituting an official scorecard for these weekly debates. Current record: Mark 0, Fred 2. Better luck next week, Mark. I know you’ve got a victory in you.