Break Debates: Is It Cooler To Fight A Shark Or A Bear?

Mark-Potts by Mark-Potts on Jan. 30, 2013

Bears. Sharks. Two of nature's scariest animals. Both frightening in their own ways. But which one makes you more of a man once you destroy its soul with your own two manly hands? Is it a bear, the killing machine of the forest? Or is it a shark, the ocean's devil monster? This is an intense debate, one that has raged on for centuries. And today, we want to decide the answer once and for all.

Mark: Bears and sharks are two of nature's most ferocious and awesome creatures. If you fight one and live, then you're probably one of the manliest men ever. However, on that note, I believe it's way cooler to fight a shark.

Fred: Well, as it so happens, I believe it's way cooler to fight a bear, so shut the hell up about it.

Mark: Slow down. A bear? Really? You think it's cooler to kill what is basically a glorified Ewok?

Fred: Ewok? Try Wookiee. And to be honest, a bear could even kick a Wookiee's ass, provided the Wookiee didn't show up with a pussy-ass crossbow.

Mark: Meanwhile, the shark is just chilling, waiting for all these furry bitches to stop arguing and get to being eaten.

Fred: The only way a shark is going to eat a bear is if you chopped up a bear carcass and threw it into the ocean. Otherwise, your glorified fish wouldn't stand a chance. In order to kill a bear you need some serious fire power, or at the very least, a bunch of dudes with some really long spears. You know how to kill a shark? With a hook and some string. Pretty pathetic.

Mark: Oh! There you go oversimplifying everything. If it's that simple to kill a shark, then all you have to do to kill a bear is put some cyanide in a picnic basket and wait for that fat f**k to come steal it. Sharks aren't even fully evolved yet. Bears are. They are already on land being fat and boring. Sharks will get legs someday. In, like, 20 years or however long evolution takes to work, they'll get legs and then we're all truly f**ked.

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The good news is that shark repellent still works on evolved sharks.

Fred: I'm not sure you fully understand the theory of evolution. And I know you don't understand the awesomeness of bears. If you did, you wouldn't have to resort to making fun of their weight. Yes, bears can get a little chubby late in the fall, but that's just because they don't eat or drink for the entire winter. I'd like to see a shark pull that shit.

Mark: I don't need to understand evolution to know that it exists, Fred. Humans aren't used to a shark's environment. We're at a complete disadvantage when we want to fight them. We can't swim as well, and we can't tread water or breathe underwater. Humans are at a HUGE disadvantage from the start!

Fred: What you're saying is that a shark's main advantage is that it lives in the water. That's true. But the same is true if I'm fighting a whale, or a seal, or a pussy-ass dolphin. A bear, on the other hand, is going to kick your ass no matter where you encounter it. In the woods, in the middle of a street, on top of a moving semi-truck: it doesn't matter. And to make matters worse, bears can f**king swim. In fact, polar bears spend their whole lives in the arctic ocean! Have you ever seen a shark that spends most of its time on land?

That bear doesn't have a mask! We'll know who it really is!

Mark: I have heard of a land shark, Fred, because they will exist in the future. Maybe re-read what I've said before (also, Land Shark is a type of okay beer). Listen, I get what you're trying to say. Your cute, furry bears can be all scary and stuff. But sharks have ROWS of teeth to rip your flesh to shreds. How many rows do bears have? One. And last time I checked, rows mean more than one. I just can't see how fighting a bear on ground is more manly than fighting a bear in the water.

Fred: A bear doesn't need "rows of teeth." One set of bear teeth is more than enough, because by time the teeth hit you, you're already dead. Unlike a shark, which can only attack you with its mouth, a bear has giant bear claws that will rip you to shreds. Not to mention the fact that bears can weigh up to 1500 lbs. Granted, I'm sure sharks get pretty heavy as well. But they can't exactly stand on top of you without legs, now can they? Besides, even if they had legs, what good is all that weight going to do in the water? Clearly the bear is the superior killing machine.

Mark: How can you escape a bear? Try running. You have an outlet. If you run fast enough, you'll be fine. But a shark? You can only swim. And unless you're Michael Phelps, you aren't getting away. So yeah, bears are strong and have claws and legs but its environment is also yours. A shark's environment? That's his own and that's why a shark is the superior killing machine.

The Judge's Decision - 

Earnest - Well, once again, I'm finding for Fred. Why? Because Fred did to Mark's argument what a bear would do to Mark's torso. Let me clarify, destroying a shark with your bare hands would be a tremendous accomplishment, one for which anyone should be praised and/or fined, depending on the shark's endangered species status. However, the only time you would ever need to destroy a shark would be when you went out looking for aquatic trouble. Bears, on the other hand, are a clear and present danger across great swaths of America, and if one rolls up on you, you've got trouble because they've got so many ways to intimidate, beat, humiliate and obliterate you. Thus, if you are able to defeat a bear, you are a hero worthy of, at the very least, a certificate of achievement, a beer, and the reverence of your friends and family.

I am instituting an official scorecard for these weekly debates. Current record: Mark 0, Fred 2. Better luck next week, Mark. I know you've got a victory in you. 

30 comments
Seized-Biscuit-698
Seized-Biscuit-698

Besides, the matchup that people really want to see is an elephant (painted blue) fighting a whole bunch of little monkeys with sharp sticks. That might get some debate going.

Seized-Biscuit-698
Seized-Biscuit-698

Why, after all that, is the judge's decision based only on the probability of meeting these creatures?

nugtastic
nugtastic

have you ever tried punching as hard as you can under water?? Case closed

nugtastic
nugtastic

in the balls 10 times. A bear is easier to bring down with one punch than a shark, not only to mention your at a complete disadvantage. The "judge" ruled the bear as the winner because its more probable to get in a fight with a bear because they are around us. But that's not what this was supposed to be about, not which one is hardest to fight and most likely to get into a fight with, but simply which one is harder to fight. To anyone thinking a bear is harder than a shark, all I need to say i

nugtastic
nugtastic

Dude wtf, you have it completely wrong. A great white shark has many sensory glands in its nose. When you punch it you distort them, which could throw the shark off but will not damage it. In order to bring down a shark in the water you need to to be punching the gills, which does similar to knocking the wind out of it. But whats really funny about your statement is thats how you take down even a kodiak bear, punching a bear in the nose puts it in the same amount of pain equivelant to a man getting kicked

jasongul132
jasongul132

funniest argument i have ever read... thank you.

The-Langolier
The-Langolier

Higher chance at finishing a road, than achieving world peace.

acesandateout
acesandateout

Bears are large gay men while sharks are witty tricksters that take your money. I put my money on the shark cause the last time I put my money on a large gay guy I realized I was in the wrong strip club............... That is all.........

jiaonizuo
jiaonizuo

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James-Oblander-621
James-Oblander-621

This is simple and it does come down to environment. First off, a bear can fight on land or in water. Second, pull the ol' jam-something-solid-in-the-jaws-so-it-can't-bite-down maneuver and the shark fight is over. Try that with the bear and yeah have fun getting mauled, then it removes said object with hands/paws and then eats you. Hands down you get mad more props fighting a bear.

bmaller619
bmaller619

you could just punch a shark in the eyes and gouge its eyes out but in either ones environment think about the possibilities of being able to punch or gouge eyes out. you would be way more likly to gouge the sharks eyes out seeing as sharks have fins and not arms with big ass claws bear wins

LostKeys
LostKeys

There isn't any out running a Bear either sir. Bears can run up to 34.8mph, whereas the best humans on the earth make a measly 27.4mph. A bear is also a filthy animal and surviving an attack without immediate medical assistance can lead to flesh eating infections.

hTxFan420
hTxFan420

Dumb. You may not be able to outrun it but you can easily out maneuver it and even climb up a tree. Some bears can climb a tree but I'd like to see them try with you kicking it in the face. Where are you going to hide from the shark? Also, look at my avatar, that shiz will mess you up.

LostKeys
LostKeys

I know cause your mom is part bear. Nearly lost my leg ;).

Kerri-Pool-709
Kerri-Pool-709

Mark totally won. You used environment in your decision, but clearly only asked which would be more manly if defeated with your bare hands. Seeing as the shark has COMPLETE advantage over you in the ocean, there would be absolutely NO way you could defeat it. None. A bear? I could see a VERY, VERY slim chance of winning, seeing as you yourself, are a land creature. A shark would crush you like I could crush a kitten. They are PURE muscle, agile and in their home. The Judge is a complete moron, and so is thi

rockdrumer
rockdrumer

the weakest point of the shark is its nose.. just one punch in to their nose is sufficient to scare even a white shark. People have survived shark attacks by only punching them once in the face.. bears on the other hand, will scalp you before you even try to reach their face.

nugtastic
nugtastic

Dude wtf, you have it completely wrong. A great white shark has many sensory glands in its nose. When you punch it you distort them, which could throw the shark off but will not damage it. In order to bring down a shark in the water you need to to be punching the gills, which does similar to knocking the wind out of it. But whats really funny about your statement is thats how you take down even a kodiak bear, punching a bear in the nose puts it in the same amount of pain equivelant to a man getting kicked i

nugtastic
nugtastic

in the balls 10 times. A bear is easier to bring down with one punch than a shark, not only to mention your at a complete disadvantage. The "judge" ruled the bear as the winner because its more probable to get in a fight with a bear because they are around us. But that's not what this was supposed to be about, not which one is hardest to fight and most likely to get into a fight with, but simply which one is harder to fight. To anyone thinking a bear is harder than a shark, all I need to say

Kerri-Pool-709
Kerri-Pool-709

The reason the shark is leaving, is because it's not their prey. Now, the question wasn't "Which would be more manly, scaring a bear or a shark away", was it? How would you go about killing a shark with your bare hands? Punching it in the nose is a MYTH that has been proven to be as such. How are you going to punch under water anyway? This is absolutely stupid that people will argue for a bear, being tougher to kill, than a shark. I guess the low IQ thing is the theme around break, isn'

Dalingrin
Dalingrin

Mine had been rated at 170, so lick em kerri... both of them.....

rockdrumer
rockdrumer

I think you watch to much shark movies man. Sharks are non-agressive animals, therefore are easier to kill. If you know wat to do you can swim easily between sharks. also, if you put a shark just upside down it would paralise it and you win the fight easily. On the other hand, you would need rifle to be even near a bear. ps. statistically there are more deaths per year by dolphins (gay sharks) than by sharks..,

Kerri-Pool-709
Kerri-Pool-709

A follow up: A great white can grow to 20 ft. and weigh 5,000 pounds of PURE muscle. Have you ever seen a dog grab something with it's teeth and thrash back and forth? Imagine that, in water, against a 5,000 pound killing machine with RAZOR sharp teeth and a mouth big enough to eat you whole. Are you guys serious, or trolling?

ajgmazzieri
ajgmazzieri

PURE muscle? yea... because they don't have cartilage skeletons or anything... oh... and 30% of their mass isn't attributable to their liver either. Anyways a fight with a shark would def. be more difficult, but you are still a dumb bitch, and Mark is def. a homo.

Hoofster
Hoofster

Days later after finally reading this, I agree. Mark lost that

Hoofster
Hoofster

One of them was mine dips hit

ajgmazzieri
ajgmazzieri

2 down votes from break staff? ouch!!!! fuccin f a g s.

Mark-Potts
Mark-Potts

You say I'm the homo, yet you clearly love bears. What kind of bears might we ask? I think we know...

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