Meet the Creepy New Human Ken Doll

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Aug. 05, 2014

You hate this guy already, don’t you?  This man spent $50,000 to look like this, mostly on multiple facial surgeries, and the gut reaction it inspires is one of immediate disgust and dislike.  Money well spent, big fella.

Was Ken always a woman?

Celso Santebanes is a model from Brazil, but is likely a model in that way a lot of people who post selfies on Instagram call themselves a model, like maybe once they were in a flyer for Wal Mart wearing an Ed Hardy shirt, but it’s not like they’re doing magazines or anything, and it’s entirely because they look like freaks rather than real people.  No offence, dude. Celso here, which I’m assuming is pronounced with a hard C like Kelso from That 70’s Show which makes entirely too much sense, dropped all that money to have his nose, chest, chin and jaw surgically reconstructed so he’d look more like a Ken Doll.  Ken, you may recall, is an all but featureless plastic piece of irrelevance that has no personality, soul, function or genitals.  Who wouldn’t want to aspire to be such a ghastly thing?

I call him...Mini Creepy Me

Now his appearance is offputtingly feminine, which seems counterintuitive at best.  Looking at him you can tell there’s something wrong with the way his face is put together but it’s hard to put your finger on just what.  Thanks to his surgeries his face is a bit too long and his features are a bit too sharp, but that doesn’t account for why he seems to wear mascara and lip gloss which Ken didn’t ever do, as far as we can tell.

Why would you want to look like a Ken Doll? That’s a question that probably requires at least a few weeks with a therapist to answer.  We can tell you Celso here likes to “act like a human puppet” as part of his shtick and charges money for appearances.  According to an interview with the Mirror, he gets up to $20,000 for an appearance, but then again, he’s the one who told the Mirror that.  We’re not saying the Mirror is wrong, he probably did say that, we’re just calling bullshit that anyone pays this guy for anything.  No doubt Brazilian culture is different than our own, but come on.  No one’s that stupid yet has access to $20,000 anywhere in the world.  Then again, Celso here spent $50,000 on his face.  Hmmm.

One of us! One of us! Gooble Gobble! Gooble Gobble!

Unsurprisingly, Fake Ken is single and looking for a woman who can handle being with someone shallow enough to do this to themselves.  She also needs to be comfortable with the fact that he seems to be turning himself into a really feminine version of Ken as well.  Naturally everyone suggests he hook up with one of those human Barbies, but you have to assume that two people whose minds are clearly so fractured and deranged probably won’t fit together very well.  That’s not even meant as an insult, just an observation that these living doll people don’t exactly seem altogether well or well-adjusted so probably putting two of them in a room isn’t going to do anyone any favors.

7 comments
Cyrus_Zei
Cyrus_Zei User

Quick kill them with fire before they lay eggs!!

AndrewST
AndrewST User

Kill them all with fire!!! 

grandiloquent
grandiloquent User

not a bad idea if you want to sleep with the barbi twins. 

DeezSaltyNutz
DeezSaltyNutz User

His eyes are too far apart from norm, and no amount of surgery will fix that.  Sorry fella, you just ugly.

KKTPP
KKTPP UserTop Commenter

fire kill them with you will?