Buying presents for people is the worst. Add the fact that you end up feeling guilty enough to buy presents for relatives you talk to for maybe a total of 45 seconds the entire year, Christmas suddenly feels like the worst holiday ever. Welp, gang, we're hear to help. Here's a list of categories (and associated gifts) for the various types of distant relatives that might be chilling with you this Christmas.
1. A gift for the super Donald Trump fan.
Let's get the political ones out of the way right now. The election is going to come up in conversation whether you want it to or not. Especially by that annoying relative that can't just leave the topic alone and let others enjoy their fucking pecan pie in peace. We read about the election all year long. Just give it a rest already! However, for the Donald Trump fan in your family, here's a great joke give because you know they're just dying to wipe their poop on Hillary's face (or so we hear).
2. A gift for the super Hillary Clinton fan.
It takes two to tango, kids. And where there's a Trump fan, there's a Hillary fan ready to break down and scream next to the broccoli casserole. Get Aunt Joyce who still has the "I'm With Her" bumper sticker long after Hillary's election loss the gift of putting an ink pen into Trump's asshole. No, it's not a slam on Trump. It's just a handy place to put your favorite pen! But, y'know, into Trump's asshole.
3. A gift for the relative that is always angry.
We all have that relative. The one that is ready to go home the moment they walk in the door (I mean, we're all that person, but we're talking about the relative that can't even fake like they're happy to be there). No gift has ever truly put a smile on their face, which is why we found the perfect gift for that angry asshole that wants to burn it all down: A fucking flame thrower.
4. A gift for the paranoid relative.
This gift is actually pretty genius and you don't necessarily have to be paranoid to be into it, but, the paranoid relative will find it especially awesome. It's an LED TV simulator so that when you're out of town for the night or on vacation, you turn this sucker on so it appears that the home owner is on their couch enjoying some King of Queens reruns. You set it so it automatically turns on at dusk and is on for four to seven hours depending on the setting. Pretty cool.
5. A gift for the relative that thinks the end of the world is near.
The end of the world could happen at any moment. Then what?! If you're lucky enough to survive (or unlucky, it's debatable) you're going to need to drink water and a trip to the grocery store is more than likely out of the question. You'll either find that all of the water is gone or get shot over the last gallon on your way home. So why even risk a trip to the store when you could have the Life Straw, a filtered straw that allows you to drink from any river, pond, lake, whatever without drinking all of the impurities.
6. A gift for the female relative with a twisted sense of humor.
This is awful but you can buy positive pregnancy tests on Craigslist. It's nothing new, but unfortunately still a thing. Hey, we did state that this was a "bizarre gift guide" afterall! Check out the story here.
7. A gift for the relative that is lonely as fuck.
We all have that divorced aunt or uncle, their kids have moved out (hell, they may not even talk to their kids anymore) and Christmas is the only time they come out and be social - if you consider staring at the TV being social. You can see the loneliness in their eyes and you know that they're talking to Alex Trebek every week night from their recliner. So just give them a friend to talk to this Christmas: themselves.
8. A gift for the hipster relative.
What do you buy the hipster that has almost everything? A razor! Just kidding, but you could buy them something that is cheap and quirky as all shit. A banana holder for their one-speed bike. Now if you're sitting there annoyed that this is an extremely dumb gift, I guess you've never met a hipster before as well. Plenty more hipster gifts like this one here.
9. A gift for the laziest relative ever.
You sincerely can't get any lazier than not finding the energy to pick up a spoon to stir your coffee. Let alone the fact that you really should just pour the milk in first, THEN the coffee which essentially stirs the two anyway! However, if neither of these are an option for your goddam lazy relative, try the self-stirring mug. Especially since they can't hide the fact that they're so lazy because the mug itself says "self stirring mug" on the side of it.
10. A gift for that random person in your family that likes Break.
Wait a second, Break sells t-shirts? Your darn right we do! Don't worry, this whole guide wasn't just to plug our t-shirts which we rarely do (or sell for that matter) anyway. Is it a bizarre gift to get someone? Absolutely. It's also cheaper than anything on this list!
Now let's start drinking!