6 of America's Biggest, Most Insane Roadside Attractions

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on May. 12, 2014

Much fuss has been made in certain nerdy circles over the new Godzilla movie.  Because America doesn’t half ass things when it comes to size, the new Godzilla is bigger than he ever was.  This Godzilla is over 300 feet tall, while the original Japanese version of the big lizard was half that size. 

Given America’s love of hugeness, from our destructive dinosaurs to our hamburgers and breast implants, you may not be entirely surprised to learn we also have some of the biggest and stupidest roadside attractions on Earth.  Just how big and stupid are these things?  We compiled this list of some of the biggest and stupidest for your enjoyment.  In some small way, these big things may have inspired Godzilla.  We can only hope…

Laundry

 

 

It’s hard to imagine being proud of the world’s largest laundromat since laundromats are one step removed from being the lairs of serial killers, the only difference being the coin machines.  No one on earth has ever enjoyed the experience of washing their underwear next to a stranger who watches you do this thing with their mouth open.  It’s done by necessity only and it’s as award as it sounds.

Still, the World’s Largest Laundry in Berwyn, Illinois is pretty stoked to be wielding the title of world’s largest.  The town of Berwyn has a population of 56,000 incidentally, so having the world’s biggest laundromat is entirely pointless for the locals unless all the cheapskate sin town couldn’t have been bothered to buy their own washers.

The laundromat boasts a 90 inch TV that will stream live images down Cermak Road, such as Gus driving down Cermak Road and possibly even Lou, driving down Cermak Road.  And, because why wouldn’t there be, the laundromat also has a bird sanctuary.  You could spend the rest of your life trying to understand that one.

 

Ball of Paint

 

 

Somewhere in Indiana is the world’s largest ball of paint.  What’s a ball of paint, you ask?  It’s a ball covered in paint.  23,400 layers of paint.  It used to be a baseball and then someone thought “I need to paint that baseball.”  And then they thought that 23,399 more times.  And now that baseball weighs 4,000 pounds and is a testament to the indomitable stupidity and boredom of mankind.

How long does it take to make a 4,000lb baseball covered in paint?  Mike and Glenda Carmichael have been working on it for 36 years.  If you ever doubt you have a purpose in life, remember that you don’t have a 4,000lb, 36 year old baseball in your possession that must have one or two layers of tears mixed in.

 

Concrete Gnome

 

 

How much do you love Garden Gnomes?  Not at all?  Well shit, this entry is not going to please you then.  The world’s largest concrete gnome is 15 feet tall and weighs 3,500lbs (almost as much as a ball of paint!).  It’s basically just a terrifying version of the same horrible gnomes your aunt has on her lawn, but tall enough that you will feel uncomfortable and maybe wonder why this isn’t the plot of a horror movie yet.

 

Collection of Smallest Versions of Largest Things

 

 

This seems like a hipster sort of thing as the irony is just dripping off of it.  The name is vaguely confusing but it is what it sounds like – someone made tiny versions of all the big versions of things – like that paint ball! – and then put them together in the biggest collection of little things.  It’s like a lazy man’s way of seeing all of these roadside attractions in one place at one time without the fear of any of them falling over and crushing you, which is probably a real concern with some of these rickety things.

 

Hairball

 

 

This is literally one of the most disgusting things you could imagine and for some reason people go see it and even touch it.  It’s a hairball, an actual hairball from the guts of a cow that weighed 55lbs.  That is to say the hairball weighed 55lbs, not the cow.  The cow was slaughtered and the guys at the slaughterhouse were all “wow, look at this big, wet disgusting ball of hair in this dead cow’s guts. Let’s put it on a shelf” and so they did. 

Now that the hairball is dried out it weighs less but is apparently 38 inches around, so that’s still gross.

 

Working Rifle

 

 

The only thing cooler than a gun is a big gun, which was aptly demonstrated in the movie Predator.  Everyone had a gun, but Jesse Ventura had that really big gun, and it was awesome.  Maybe that’s why, deep in the heart of absolutely nowhere, someone went ahead and built the biggest working rifle in the world.  Just how big is it?  33 feet long.  That’s a big ass gun.

If Godzilla ever did attack, a 33 foot rifle would probably be a decent weapon to take a shot at him with, since most fire arms used in every movie ever about a giant monster do nothing except probably kill civilians in the background who are running for their lives.  Best to take aim with a gun that is the size of the monster’s arm already. 

1 comments
KEVIN_224
KEVIN_224 User

I'd hate to be sitting in that truck when the gun backfires! :(