Yesterday, we learned about the female “memoirist” who took to her blog after a guy had broken up with her via text, turning a personal moment between two adults and ultimately spinning it into material for attention.
There are a lot of different types of people out there for you to date (“Memoirists” included), but that doesn’t mean they’re all ready for a relationship. So I come to you, the men out there, with words that I’m sure many of you can also attest to in hopes of saving the hopeful from any agony, embarassment or harassment you might endure in the future. And please recognize that I’m not suggesting ALL of these types of women are un-dateable, only a staggering number of them. Luckily, if you live outside of Los Angeles, you probably won’t have to worry about too many of the following types.
*Don’t date comedians. Excuse me — comediennes.
The comedian is constantly on the move. “Go out for dinner and a movie? I can’t, I have a show at 10PM at a comedy club where there’s terrible parking. You should come!” Don’t go. Essentially the only time a comedian (agh–comedienne) will want to hang out will be when they have a show you can come to because 1) They are usually either working or performing at night, and 2) they see you more as their audience member than anything else.
*Don’t date working actresses.
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An actress’ work is never done. Sure, they think they’re ready for a relationship but can they really put time into you when they have oh so many other appointments and people to meet, a.k.a. schmooze? After a certain point, you’d rather just sit at home with your lady and watch Colbert Report. But instead, you’re constantly having to go to random acquaintance’s birthdays, constantly having to go to “premiere events” and constantly watching her need to prove her worth to her other actor and actress friends, who in turn feel the need to prove their worth to everyone else in the room. It’s an Ouroboros situation with her circle of “friends”. Guys, it’s not worth it. She’s too busy, and her weekly routines will get old fast.
*Don’t date bad actresses.
These are the “actresses” who actually aren’t working as an actress because unfortunately their talent and/or looks just aren’t there. If EVERYONE could be a successful actress, wouldn’t they all be doing it?? We need nurses, people! It’s just an unreachable goal that most of them will never achieve and in turn will be bitter because you were “never there for them” when they are too narrow minded to just look at the bigger picture, which is themselves. These women work night jobs so they can audition during the day and when that long, long day of rejection is over, you’ll be the lucky guy able to cheer them up and be responsible to keep them hopeful. Every night.
*Don’t date social media climbers.
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“Attention w*ore” is another way of putting it. These women can’t bare to spend one hour not tweeting, not instagramming, not posting a photo or update to their facebook. If they can’t go an entire first and second date with only your attention to satisfy them, it’s time to move on. If they can’t go an entire singular meal without taking a picture of the food (that they didn’t even prepare themselves), it’s time to move on. Sure, you have friends that comment and like your posts and pictures, but realistically no one cares to check up on you THAT much in a given 24 hour timeframe, and it’s scary that you not only think anyone would, but that you also feel the need to feed into it.
*Don’t date rabid concert goers.
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If you go to concerts, that’s cool. I love concerts! But I’m talking about women who live and breathe going to these shows. Most nights of the week, they would rather wait outside a venue for an hour to get in, watch a band perform, hopefully meet the band and go home at 2AM. Again, that’s all fine and good until you are the one getting dragged along. Venue drink prices are way too much, and the parking is usually terrible. Next thing you know, you’re losing sleep and your funds are running way too low for this nonsense.
And finally, *don’t date make-up artists, personal assistants, “singer/songwriters”, first cousins, second cousins, any cousin really, cat ladies, witches, Hollywood Blvd. costume characters, swamp hags, hippies or hitchhikers.
Of course these same types can be said about men, that goes without saying. And if you need more of an explanation why then what I’ve already written, maybe it’s better you just find it out for yourself. Sometimes we can only learn by doing, not reading or hearing. God knows I did.
(*Date’em if you want to, but don’t say we didn’t warn you.)
If you have any dating horror stories, please feel free to write them in the comments below. We can all heal together.
-Todd (follow me on Twitter)