Best Rated Pornographic Material for Your Viewing Pleasure

Best Rated Porn

WHAT IS THE BEST RATED PORN?

As crazy as it may sound to you or I, there exists no governing body that provides definitive rankings of pornography. And even if there were, unless it was a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Break Media empire, I would be legally prohibited from acknowledging its existence anyway. But I can show you some (relatively) SFW trailers for porn -- and I don’t know if they’re the best rated by any objective measure, but I can tell you that I rate them pretty darn high! I mean, just look at this first porn trailer and tell me the film being advertised isn’t one of the best rated porn movies ever made:

That’s right, it’s a porn parody of 2014’s hit film, Guardians of the Galaxy. Just look at the polished production value, the special effects, the humor, the lighting, the sex scenes that will probably seem weird while you’re watching them but much, much weirder in retrospect -- all the ingredients necessary for top ratings in the world of porn. And the lead is a much more interesting performer than Chris Pratt is anyway (kidding, kidding, not really, no really I’m kidding... no I’m not).

MY TASTES IN SUPERHERO ENTERTAINMENT RUN A LITTLE MORE OLD SCHOOL. IS THERE A BEST RATED PORN PARODY FOR ME?

Actually, given the slight* (*extensive) research I’ve done on this subject, I can answer the second part of your question without even having to read the first -- yes. But having read the first part of your question now, I can also provide you with another kinda-SFW trailer for what has to be a best rated porn parody simply because of the A-list talent -- many with crossover appeal -- involved. And since it’s a parody of the 1966 TV version of Batman, this is a best rated porn movie that even your parents and/or grandparents would enjoy (provided they like camp and eerily accurate imitations of Cesar Romero’s Joker). Here’s the trailer:

SPEAKING OF CROSSOVER APPEAL, OLD SCHOOL PORN USED TO BE KIND OF ACCEPTABLE, RIGHT?

Yep. When discussing the best rated porn in history, you really have to give it up for the golden age of theatrical porn -- that brief period when pornographic cinema was cool, acceptable to discuss over dinner, and reviewed in The New York Times. Educating yourself on the most famous and well-known (and yes, best rated) of these works is akin to working your way through one of those American Film Institute or Sight & Sound lists, only with a lot more masturbation. And there’s really no place to start but here:

That’s the infamous doctor scene in Deep Throat, featuring star Linda Lovelace and Harry Reems as the doctor that gives her the news that would earn her the film’s titular nickname. As plot setups go, it rivals Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo or Henri-Georges Clouzout’s The Wages of Fear in sheer ingenuity, so if that doesn’t make you want to go catch the rest of the film somehow, I don’t know what to tell you.

Another one of the best rated porn films of all time (in terms of box office gross, if nothing else) is from director Gerard Damiano, who also did Deep Throat. Unlike Deep Throat, it actually had a respectable production budget, and it feels more like a “real movie” than Deep Throat ever does. I’m talking about The Devil in Miss Jones. Here’s a trailer:

While we’re on this Citizen Kane of porn trip, we have to shout out the other great piece of golden age, best rated porn, Behind the Green Door. Trailers and SFW clips seem to be a bit scarce on YouTube, but here’s a weird video from a VHS collector - maybe you can answer his question while you’re at it:

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER ESSENTIAL BEST RATED PORN MOVIES I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BEFORE I RETURN TO MY HAPPY AND PRODUCTIVE LIFE?

Here’s something I just learned tonight: There are a lot of extremely disreputable people on YouTube who put things like “BEST RATED PORN XXX COMPILATION” in their video titles, making it nearly impossible to find the kind of compilation videos I normally put at the end of these blog posts. But don’t worry -- your journey into the world of quality pornography is just beginning, so it would be pointless to expose yourself to all those plot spoilers anyway. And remember: the most important rating a porno can get, is your rating.