15 Amazing Totally Real Jobs The Onion Definitely Didn’t Make Up

The Onion is known for its funny headlines, biting satire, wit and charm. However the genius is in the details.  Fans of “America’s Finest News Source” know to look for those details such as the fake jobs that the opinion givers have listed under their names in the “American Voices” column.  While “Systems Analyst” and “Unemployed” are standard, over the years we have seen some pretty interesting places of employment for these fake men and women.  


These people have the weirdest resume.

Here are some of the 15 weirdest jobs ever held by the “American Voices” people that we would like to do for a day.  What is your favorite fake job from The Onion?

Bonus if you can guess what the subject is they are discussing. Hint: It could be any news topic from over the past ten years.

1. Carpet Unroller

2. Decal Applier


3. Box Cutting Instructor


4.  Twist Tie Sorter


5. Sunglasses Locator


6. Dating Profile Consultant


7.  Paper Stacker


8. Advent Calendar Seller


9. Biscuit Salter


10. Lens Polisher


11. Coinstar Assistant


12. Pen Refiller


13. Turbo Tax Updater


14.  Hand Nailer


15. Maple Syrup Maker


Source The Onion

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