Best Gut Busting Burgers of The Year!

PhilHaney by PhilHaney on Dec. 26, 2013

While looking through my Instagram account I noticed something: I’ve gained a lot of weight this year, becoming what I believe some commenters might lovingly refer to as a “fat fuck.”  The reason for this is clear by all of 2013’s glorious burgers I have artfully snapped a photo of whilst eating. And by artfully I mean I pulled out my phone in the middle of a restaurant and took a photo of my plate like a complete douche. While neither you, nor your god should forgive me for this, I am thankful I did, because I can relive each of these burger behemoths in a rundown of my favorite gut busting burgers of the year! I did a lot of in-depth research on this subject; you may have a different opinion, which is OK. Please tell us your favorite local, best burgers of the year so that others can try them! Be sure to include links to photos when possible!

RAMEN BURGER

 

 

For people who can’t make up their minds; do I want Asian food or burgers, burgers or Asian food, - now you can have both! The much talked about “Ramen Burger” has finally made its way to my mouth when I tried the offering of a Kobe beef patty sandwiched between pan fried ramen noodle “buns” at Trader Vic’s in LA. I made the rookie mistake of picking up the burger which fell apart quicker than Phil Robertson’s reality TV career or..  a bun patty made of noodles.  It’s definitely a knife and fork burger (Only in frickin’ LA, the people who brought you $20 bottles of water!)  but the taste combination is to die for. No really with all that sodium in the ramen, and red meat -you might die. But die happy!

FIVE GUYS BURGER

DAYUM this burger is sexy! You might think nothing more can be said about the Five Guys burger that hasn’t already been said by Daym Drops who went to YouTube song remix fame last year with his review of this incredible cheese induced heart attack of a burger (and even got his own TV show this year).  However:  I have never thought about making love to a cheeseburger before I ate at Five Guys, but I guess there is a first time for everything. After eating at my local Five Guys this year I now know what this guy was singing about:

PINK'S HOT DOG'S JAWS BURGER

I dreamed a dream to one day create the ultimate restaurant: Phil’s Famous which would feature local signature dishes from around the country; the best  Philly Cheese Steak from Philadelphia, the best Buffalo Wings from Buffalo, the Pizza from New York City, etc…  Pink’s Hot Dog’s would be the testament to the great American Hot Dog (I fully expect to see your comments defending your local favorite hot dog establishment, telling me to shove my hot dog up my ass. Have at it. ) Pink’s has been a Los Angeles institution since the 1930’s, with rarely a time that there is not a line down the street since. That’s why it’s weird that at Pink’s I found an incredible monstrosity of a burger this year: The JAWS. The JAWS burger features two hot dogs, chili, bacon, all topped with cheese. I had to eat it quickly before someone tried to adopt me and make me eat vegetables.

MARTY’S HOME of THE COMBO

Ever since I’ve lived in Los Angeles I’ve heard of this place as it’s been on multiple television shows. So I had to try it since I’m a big star fucker.... when it comes to cheese burgers. People like Guy Fieri go there when they aren’t busy beating their hair dresser and it seems like a legit, old school burger joint. I was super excited to try Marty’s Combo, which they are home of as it also featured hot dogs piled on a cheese burger with chili. This was more of a cheaper “stand” burger as opposed to a pricey gourmet burger… both of which I like.  Pink’s JAWS was a bigger, beefier version of this, but both had their merits in that I got to eat them.

FANCY ASS $20 French Burger

This was a decent gourmet burger served with a side of truffle fries. You know you are going to be paying extra when the menu says truffle fries. I honestly don’t remember a lot about this burger other than it cost $20 and had some type of smelly cheese and onions on it. However a burger is a burger, and like a good handy you can’t really get a bad one, especially for $20…  wait, no that’s not right either.

Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney

 

67 comments
Josh-Smith-987
Josh-Smith-987 User

Five Guys are it no maybe's for 20 bucks the wife and I leave stuffed with burger and fry heaven one large fry for two adults at five guys is more then enough for us plus the standard double patty burgers

dafuqrly
dafuqrly User

The B-B-B-BEAST at Bao's Awesome Burgers in San Diego!

Michael Chandler
Michael Chandler

Both, fuck it we're all going to die any way so might as well enjoy it

Jared Meese
Jared Meese

Notice how most of the comments here are "neither" or "none"... Not because the average break sub doesn't like burgers, but because the stuck up health freaks feel need to shove their tasteless shit down everyone's throats. Let's not forget the idiot that can't even spell "torture". You guys should have all picked the left one, because it looks like that cockmeat sandwich you guys love.

Peter-LaNore-460
Peter-LaNore-460 User

The Burg from St. Petersburg. They make a double grilled cheese bacon burger. 3 grilled cheese sandwiches loaded with applewood smoked bacon with two kobe beef patties and a side of natural cut fries cooked in peanut oil.

Brian Scott Bailey
Brian Scott Bailey

Honestly seen better. One place I use to go to in Colorado had the Heart Attack Burger. meat cheese, bacon, more cheese, slice of ham, cheese and something else. Been 15 years. The Heart Attack Burger is better than almost all those listed.

Ralph Below
Ralph Below

Henry Staggs where do u get torchure

Henry Staggs
Henry Staggs

neither .... I dont take pleasure in torchure of a defenseless animal.

Joachim Thierauf
Joachim Thierauf

left one the right weighs 150pounds or if ur like me alot of weight screw the right one eat the left

Dani El
Dani El

Must. Try. Not. To. Lick. Display.

Rick Cooley
Rick Cooley

I'd rather have the BEST TASTING one!!

Adam Patterson
Adam Patterson

would like to eat low fat / low salt burger...best is a fishburger or vegetableburger

Kyle Knapp
Kyle Knapp

Left for me... the thought of noodles for a bun is fucking disgusting

Steve-Ross-991
Steve-Ross-991 User

Nothing is better than a Crown Burger. That is about the only thing I miss since I moved from Salt Lake City.

Angel Gomez
Angel Gomez

Hi, My name is Taylor, on September 13th at exactly 5:36 pm, i was kidnapped, the person who had kidnapped me was an extremely dangerous criminal, and had shot me with his pistol until i was gone, no one had ever found me because the person dug me up in a dessert, and left it to decay. 6 days later i have found him and got my revenge with a kitchen knife. poor criminal, i had put him into the dessert too, a boy called Daniel has read this and said "how pathetic! ofcourse this isn't real..." poor Daniel went to bed at 10 pm, at 3 am i got an Army knife and stabbed him to death, i had burried him in a park, another girl called Georgia read this and posted only 9 comments she had made a big mistake, at 9:03 pm she was having a shower, and there was a mirror in front of her, she has saw the reflection of me standing there looking at her, she is now at a mental asylum. There was another girl called Courtney she was very very clever she got absolutely scared that she posted it to 15 comments, every night i go check up on her if shes okay. now that you have read this you have 9 minutes to post this to 15 comments or your death is coming tonight... START

Eric Woodbury
Eric Woodbury

Obviously the five guys burger is the winner. Best burgers in the country!