We Ranked The Batmobiles By Speed And Sex Appeal

penncollins by penncollins on May. 13, 2014

 

 

Zack Snyder recently gave the world a sneak peek at the new Batmobile, and suddenly an entire universe of fanboys forgot how much they hate that Affleck guy. Now they're back in the clutches of Batman fever, even if he's sharing the screen with Superman.

 

 

Dat ass!

While we don’t know enough about the new Batmobile to see how it ranks in the pantheon of Bat-vehicles, that’s not going to stop us from doing an inventory of all the popular Batmobiles of film and TV up to this point.

We intentionally weighed two factors: top speed and sex appeal. We probably unintentionally weighed a number of other factors that may or may not be cited below, including our love/hatred of Chris O’Donnell, pity for George Clooney's early career, and how advanced the cars were for their time.

How did we ascertain what the top speeds were? Warner Bros. was kind enough to let us go out to the Bonneville Salt Flats to test drive each generation of the Batmobile.

Just kidding. We got the numbers off the Internet, and, as best we can tell, the figures are completely fictional, but rooted in the mythology of Batman (i.e., they’re referenced somewhere in the Batman stories).

Hop in.

5. Batman and Robin – Top Speed: 230 MPH (350 MPH Booster) - Sex Appeal: .5

 

 

Never Forget

While this Batman film is remembered not-so-fondly for being the one with both Mr. Freeze’s puns and the George Clooney Batman suit with nipples, it could also be remembered for featuring the Batmobile that appears as though it was retrieved from Rob Zombie’s nightmares.

The car itself looks more at home in a game of Twisted Metal 2 than it does in a Batman film, but with the widespread vitriol spewed at this film, it’s hard to single out the Batmobile as the source of the problems. Again, I would be inclined to blame the nipples on the Batsuit.

This Batmobile didn’t have a roof or a passenger seat, so I guess even though the film was entitled Batman and Robin, Chris O’Donnell’s character probably had to take the bus (or Uber) to get to the scene of the crime.

As if this design wasn’t impractical and decadent enough, the original plans had the car transforming on-screen into the Bathammer. In case you’re not up on your Batman and Robin trivia, the Bathammer was a flying vehicle that Batman and his nipples used fly around town.

The Bathammer made it into the film, but there was no insinuation that the Batmobile transformed into it. Oh well. At least we have Robin. Right? RIGHT?

4. Batman Forever – Top Speed: 330 MPH - Sex Appeal: 4

 

 

Oh my god? Jim Carrey was in this movie! I totally forgot!

The Batmobiles during the Joel Schumacher era got about as bad a rap as the films did. With Val Kilmer suiting up in Batman Forever, a new Batmobile was needed. This one trafficked in unnecessary illumination, another grappling hook (this one to climb up walls), and some giant winged fins. The chassis was a Corvette, which is cool, but not cool enough.

The most compelling aspect of this car is that it glowed blue from indirect light, allowing it to blend in with the dark neon iridescence that was prevalent in the Schumacher Batman sets.

According to Wikipedia, the quintessential source for superfluous facts about fictional cars, this version also did 330 MPH.

The whole thing was over the top, even by Batman standards, so I don’t think anyone shed any tears when the Riddler blew it up by putting a bunch of explosives in the seat.

Think of it as a mercy killing.

3. Batman and Batman Returns – Top Speed: 330 MPH - Sex Appeal: 7

 

 

Fun Fact: The Burton Batmobile was almost played by Johnny Depp

Despite both Tim Burton film adaptations being huge-budget, blockbuster affairs, the studio decided to only spring for one iteration of the Batmobile. While it wasn’t the flashiest example of the car (it may have been the least flashy, actually), the design does fit in keeping with the look and feel of Burton’s film and set design.

The low-slung car could get to 330 MPH (fictitiously) which is pretty impressive, but it goes from 0-60 in only 3.7 seconds, which, even by late 80’s/early 90’s standards, isn’t that quick off the line. But it's still a huge increase on the original TV Batmobile (see below).

What it lacked in acceleration, it made up for with a pretty bitchin’ grappling hook. Now, grappling hooks are tough to get excited about, and sticking one on a car seems a little counter-intuitive, seeing as how you want a car to move forward, and a grappling hook prevents just that. However, this grappling hook shot out from the sides of the car, anchoring into roadside objects and allowing the Batmobile to make really tight turns.

The Tim Burton Batmobile was built on a Chevy Impala chassis, which I think we can all agree is pretty boring, but is at least in keeping with a production that imagines Michael Keaton as Batman.

2. Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises – Top Speed: 160 MPH - Sex Appeal: 9

 

 

The Tumbler was originally designed to destroy Mosques

It would be hard to find two vehicles as diametrically opposite as the Batman TV show Batmobile and this one. This first is a fairly contemporary 1960’s Lincoln, and the second looks like it may be capable of boring a tunnel from here to Tokyo.

The Christopher Nolan Batmobile also has a clearer origin story than the other iterations. Wayne Enterprises owned some military contract, including one for a prototype vehicle called the Tumbler. Because Bruce Wayne owned the company, this became the Batmobile.

This version gets bonus sex appeal and functionality points because, in the event of trauma to the vehicle, Batman can eject via the Batpod, which is essentially a covered motorcycle and a pretty sharp vehicle all on its own.

When it’s in standard Batmobile form, the driver can switch to “attack” mode, Here, the driver shifts to the middle of the “car,” and is situated face down. Ostensibly, this is to enable more precise driving and offer the driver more protection, but I think we all know that it’s really just because it looks cool and probably makes Batman feel even tougher than he already is.

1. Batman (TV Series) – Top Speed: 107 MPH - Sex Appeal: 9

 

 

Activate the Bat-Ass Magnet

Yup. You read that right. Our highest-ranked Batmobile was essentially just a modified Lincoln Futura prototype with a some cool bodywork and a really sharp paint job.

The original Batmobile was supposed to be a Cadillac, but when the original customizer wasn’t able to meet production deadlines, the gig went to a new guy, who he had a new plan.

As far as Batmobiles go, this is perhaps the most “stock”, which probably endears some fans and alienates others. Adding to the charm is the fact that the car kept breaking down during filming, and even the engine had to be replaced. A pretty fitting chariot for Adam West’s campy Batman.

This Batmobile had a ton of special features, all of which seem to require the prefix “bat-“ before their name. For instance, there’s the Bat Beam, Bat Smoke Screen, Batphone (like a regular car phone, but, you know, bat-ier), Batcomputer (precursor to the iPad, perhaps?), Batphotoscope (pulls up images from files in the Batcave), and a Bat-tering ram.

The back story and simple elegance of the car more than makes up for the fact that it moves slower than a tree sloth. So congratulations to the campy Batman series. It has the best Batmobile. Deal with it.

38 comments
Eliza Kilpatrick
Eliza Kilpatrick

As opposed to Gone with the Wind, Batman is based on a series of comic books. Therefore, multiple movies could be made to tell multiple parts of the story. Also, Bruce Wayne has access to military vehicles, this batmobile is meant to be based on that not a simple car. Yes we are all concerned about Ben Affleck as Batman but George Clooney was a well known actor with many successful movies and he was awful. Everyone was up in arms about Christian Bale but he did well. In closing If you don't want to watch the movie that's fine but plenty of us will.

Eliza Kilpatrick
Eliza Kilpatrick

Made me angry! Lol. This is what happens when blokes judge sex appeal. I know the tv series batmobile is classic but sexy? Batman and Batman Returns batmobile is iconic and sexy.

Jeffery Waters
Jeffery Waters

First off i do not post on these things, also i am a huge huge batman fan. I have to ask did Zack Snyder even read any of the comics or do any research for this movie? Have directors learned nothing from past mistakes of bad role casting and skimping on certain aspect of the series that make it a mega hit. they better hope the new bat car(that looks like a stripped down viper with not much thought or creativity in it) gets lots of show time(more than Afflech and the suit) and has some really good gadgets with it like the tumbler and the other icon vehicles or this movie will be a straight to DVD and kill off the other Affleck movies that are scheduled. The reboot of superman was a BIG BOMB dont do that to Batman or i am afraid that studios wont be doing much more superhero movies. As far as active Ben can do all the all Rats and my movies and be funny and watchable. Can anyone remember the last time MR. Affleck tried to play the superhero? or has everyone else tried to block that epic fail out as well. Everyone keeps saying on these post MR. Affleck will surprise you ((really the Ja Lo movie(no disrespect to her in any way) what else has he done to even get into the big time action race?), certain name have certain meanings in Hollywood. Stallon, Willis, and others equal big action and a good time at the movies. Ben Affleck just doesn't work as Batman(brings up many bad memories of bad acting and cheap teen movies for me). I really am getting tired of Hollywood in general not having anything original and always rebooting. Is there a reboot for great movies like Bullet, Cool hand Luke, Gone With the Wind (different types of movies) NO THERE IS NOT. Why.....The right actors(actresses) and they were more about making a good movie and keeping movie goers happy than getting us to buy the next video game or toy for our kids. (if it was for the kids it would have been a cartoon) They do it because we keep watching the mindless reproductions of it. I have rambles enough. and in closing I won't be watching this movie.

David Goodluck
David Goodluck

The Lincoln Futura of George Barris. No Contest.

Josh Brown
Josh Brown

I'm sorry, but the Batman returns batmobile will ALWAYS be better than the tumbler.

Leander JL
Leander JL

The one in Son of Batman. Your argument is invalid.

schizm
schizm User

I think they may have ranked it as "gay sex appeal."

APcat
APcat User

Wait? 3.7 seconds to 60 is not fast even by 80's standards? Are you kidding me?

COHockey
COHockey User

The Lincoln Futura gets a sex appeal of 9 ?? Did an 80 year old guy write this? I bet Judge Judy really gets the ol' rickets flowing eh gramps?

Chris Hincks
Chris Hincks

Affleck is going to ruin this series. Hes not a bad actor but hes no batman

Cory-Needer-660
Cory-Needer-660 User

FYI, the designer for the 60's Batmobile is legendary custom car designer, George Barris. http://www.barris.com/

The 60's Batmobile is still my favorite. The Burton Batmobile comes close second. But if animated versions were on the list, the Batmobile from Batman: The Animated Series wins hands down.

Juan Davila
Juan Davila

This movie is gonna suck just like my ex wife on a Friday night.

Marc Vinalon
Marc Vinalon

Arkham Knight Batmobile..the intense multiple gear braking system in the car wheels alone scream Oh My goodness

Ethan-Firl-850
Ethan-Firl-850 User

Number 4 and 5 are the same car in different lighting. Ummm ... you guys? Are there editors for these BREAK posts?

chevy55
chevy55 User

Wrong pictures for number 5. 

Tom Rankin
Tom Rankin

Tim Burton's is easily the best by far.

KCjoker
KCjoker User

He's a better director than he is an actor.

puppetshow
puppetshow User

No, he sucks as an actor too.

h8isgr8
h8isgr8 User

Keaton was, still is, and forever will be, The Batman. And while I like the modern look of the Dark Knight-mobile, I agree Keaton's can never be beat.