Spiderman and Batman Brawl in Times Square!

This match up would be legendary had the right director been behind the scenes.  Even if Christopher Nolan and Sam Raimi teamed up on it there surely would have been impressive results but life isn’t a movie and this superhero throwdown was the real, powerless deal.  Two guys dressed like Batman and Spiderman were in New York doing what superheroes do ( harassing tourists for tips), when a nefarious villain with plans for butt piracy came on the scene.

Now before you take offence to the butt piracy remark, know that this man is alleged to have yelled “I’m going to f*** you, Batman” before he grabbed Spiderman’s ass.  So clearly this fellow had plans beyond robbing banks or putting Mary-Jane in peril.

Spiderman reacted by using his web-slingers on the ne’er-do-well, which is to say he hosed him with Silly String.  Batman, who the villain was apparently hugging from behind when he gave his sexually violent proclamation, was less accommodating than Spiderman and rather than throw Nerf batarangs he simply kicked the crap out of 23 year old Thomas Rorke, who was not smart enough to know that you never try to take on Batman just in case the guy in the suit is really Batman.

Rorke, who you will not be surprised to learn was drunk, was beaten repeatedly in the face and chest by both heroes who don’t take kindly to drunken molestation.  Hopefully the Silly String didn’t get in too many wounds, that stuff’s pretty toxic, we hear.

When police arrived all three men were cuffed because, as you’ll recall from movies, Spiderman and Batman are both costumed vigilantes and we can’t have them meting out justice to drunken sex offenders at major New York tourist attractions.  If we let that slide then society falls into chaos.  Also, Spiderman has a record already for public urination, assault and weapons possession.  Doesn’t sound like something Andrew Garfield or Tobey Maguire would do.

Captain America assured reporters that Spiderman was a good guy and this was all a misunderstanding caused by the drunken Rorke, but how much can you trust a guy who won’t tell you his real name and dresses like Captain America?  At any rate, both heroes were charged with assault and fined $750 a piece and as for Rorke, who was also charged?  Well he disappeared after he was released.  Maybe he’s out there right now, telling Iron Man how good his can looks, or asking if he can feel Thor’s hammer.  Wherever he is, one things for sure – superheroes had best beware of…THE HARASSER!