The Baby Scourge: 4 Criminal Children to Fear

Babies.  Small. Inconspicuous. Allegedly helpless.  The world is full of them and people have the nerve to suggest they deserve special protection and treatment the rest of us don’t get.  And yet we openly  acknowledge that scabrous adult slug-people like Nancy Grace and Donald  Trump exist.  Where do you think jerkoff adults come from?  Jerkoff babies.  And where do criminally insane adults come from?  Oh, that’s right syllogism lovers, they came from criminally insane babies.  Babies like these monsters!

The Killer Baby


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Here’s a baby being fingerprinted.  Bet ya never saw that before.

Citizens of the world can rest easy tonight knowing that the hard working men and women (but I think only men) of the Lahore police department in Pakistan will not tolerate criminality from anyone, and that includes babies.  A 9 month old boy has been booked on charges of attempted murder and conspiracy amongst other charges after stones were thrown at police during some home raids. 

The toddler was finger printed and had a court day to address his heinous actions and even though he was released on bail he will have to return to court to answer for his crimes, if he knows how to talk by then.  Which he probably won’t.

The minimum age for criminal responsibility in Pakistan is supposed to be 12, but luckily Sub-Inspector Kashif Ahmed saw through that BS rule when confronted by this dangerous baby and chose to arrest the child and finger print him anyway, proving that age is no factor when it comes to obeying the law, and brains are no factor in enforcing it.

The judge felt there may be something a little silly about charging a baby but also didn’t have the power to drop the charges at the time, and the arresting officer has been suspended, but probably for a different reason altogether that does not involve the gross misconduct of arresting a baby.


Cop Assault


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Like you, police are never sure at what age it’s acceptable to manhandle, restrain and beat a child.  Is it 10?  8?  There’s no real guidelines because, as a society, we’ve gotten lazy about how to properly administer martial law to children.   However, in Stockton, California, age 5 is a good age at which to restrain a child with zip ties at both his wrists and ankles before driving him to a psychiatric hospital because that little bugger must be straight up loco!

Turns out little Michael Davis has ADHD and gets pretty wound up, and that has included fights with other students.  The school thought a good way to get through to him would be to have a police officer come and talk to him about his behavior, maybe scare him straight.  When he put his hands on Michael, though, shit got real.  Michael pushed the officer’s hand away and kicked his shin.  At this point the officer decided that this 5 year old was one bad apple and needed to have all his limbs tied up so he could be tossed in the car, taken to a mental hospital and charged with assault against a police officer.


Toddler Fight Club


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The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club.  The first rule of Toddler Fight Club is apparently “no pinching.”  I learned this from an article about a day care in which three women ran a toddler fighting ring, either for money or amusement or both, and the kids were not supposed to pinch each other, just punch.

You may think that the adults running a toddler fight club are the unsavory criminal types in this story and, well, they are, but let’s not forget the little pugilist thugs who have now been trained to throw down like a seriously insane and incredibly ripped Brad Pitt in a bar basement to vent their frustrations with the world at large.  You think these kids are going to grow up not knowing they were in toddler fight club?  Oh no, they’re going to grow up and read Fight Club and see the movie and realize they were raised for misanthropy.  These children will be the destructors of tomorrow.  These kids will bring the world down around them, all to the sound of joyous laughter and chants about Robert Paulson.  Holy crap!


The Bad Touch


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Motorboating.  Is there any more sinister thing a man can do to a set of boobs?  No.  Nothing.  And the only thing that makes motorboating worse is when the motor is installed on a tiny face allowing it to have greater access to the boob wave, such as when the face is 4 years old

The Pre-Kindergarten student was lining up for the bus after school when he hugged a school employee and just dove face-first into her magical yohambos like a filthy miscreant Greg Louganis.  The teacher’s aide reeled back in boob-terror, covering her desecrated Boson’s mates in fear and anguish as the boy was quickly written up for “inappropriate physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment.”  Oh the scurrilous jackanape!

After the incident the boy’s father made the argument that you couldn’t justify this as sexual contact or sexual harassment since, strictly speaking, his 4year old has no idea what sex and sexuality are right now and that sounds like a valid argument on the surface, but that teacher’s aide stuck to her guns (not the guns the 4 year old was stuck to) and refused to apologize for labeling that little by a sex offender.  Good for her!  She’s got stick-to-itivness and a sense of pride in her idiotic claims.