Ask A Hottie Vol. 3: My GF Is Getting Laid More Than Me In Our Open Relationship

Welcome to Break’s not-so-new column “Ask A Hottie,” where they’ve given free reign to a girl who 1. Couldn’t find her way out of a burlap sack with a map, let alone give relationship advice and 2. Can’t be bothered to do her hair and makeup for a “good” photo of herself to include each week, so instead you’re going to keep getting atrocities like this:

The day you fuckers get a good photo is the day I stop writing this column.

Do you have a question for our resident Aubrey Plaza 2.0? Send it to! 

So without further adieu, let’s get started!

Q: Me and my girl have been dating for about six months. She is a great girlfriend, but about one month ago I asked if we could open up our relationship so we could both sleep with other people. Like I said, she is awesome, but sleeping with the same person over and over and over again gets boring.

She did not want to agree, but after some convincing and smooth talk about breaking up she gave the OK. Our only rules are that we do not sleep with anybody either of us know personally, and if you start getting feelings for another person you have to stop contact with them immediately. Also, if one of us asks the other about who they’ve slept with, we have to be honest. Other than that it is “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

Now here’s the problem: it’s been a month. I have not slept with anyone.

I tried using Tinder, Bumble, and even hitting the town with friends but no luck. I don’t know what is wrong with me, because my girlfriend has been killing it. I made the mistake of asking how many people she’s slept with since opening our relationship and she told me three. I think this is bullshit and asked her to close the relationship again, but she laughed at me and said “Too bad.”

How do I get her to stop?

Yo…you realize what a piece of crap you are, right?

 Angela Lansbury does NOT have time for your bullshit

Let me get this straight, because I want everyone to be on the same page I am:

You point-blank told your girlfriend that you wanted to sleep with other people

Your girlfriend was like “Nah”

You were like “Agree or else I’m dumping you”

Your girlfriend was like “Fine”

…and then you found out that, oh wait, sticking your dick into wet holes is a lot harder than going out back and digging a hole in your backyard. Now this isn’t fun anymore. Now this is work, and you’ve sadly found out that work is a lot harder than you expected. 

“But so what?” you told yourself, “It’s not like my girlfriend is doing any better than I am. She didn’t even want to bone other people!” So to massage your dimming ego, you decided to go and ask how many people she’s slept with. And because her answer was more than the zero you expected, you’ve decided that you don’t want an open relationship anymore?

You sir, are a moron.

“What a goddamn retar- what? We can’t say that word anymore? Fucking pussies.” – Angela Lansbury, on YOU.

This is a classic case of “you reap what you sow,” and in this case you’ve sowed nothing. Absolutely nothing. At best, you’ve at least found out that your girlfriend is hot and can get it anytime, anywhere, though the fact that you had to go and push her into an open relationship to find that out is pathetic. At worst, she’s about 30 seconds away from dumping your stupid hypocritical ass because, just like you, she’s discovered that she can get it anytime, anywhere, and without your dumbass complaining about how you’re tired of boning her apparently “boring” pussy.

As for how you get her to stop, my first suggestion would be to crawl to her front door on your hands and knees and beg forgiveness for how stupid you are. And when I say “crawl to her front door on your hands and knees,” I mean it — how far away do you live? Crawling is a lot slower than walking. If you live at least five miles from her house I suggest you get moving now. Wear kneepads if you’ve got ’em. 

But considering that you managed to write me your entire story without coming to the realization that “Hey, wait a second — maybe I’M the villain in this story?!!” I have a feeling you’re not the type to admit when he’s wrong. Neither am I, which is why I’m 99% sure you’re not going to bother apologizing, and the only remaining way to close your relationship back up is to let her have her fun for as long as she wants in the hopes that she gets tired. Is that guaranteed? Of course not. Your only other option is to break up with her, because frankly, she deserves better than you, but then you’re still stuck alone, sexless, and with horrible pick-up game. Seriously, you had Tinder for a month and couldn’t get laid? Are you a dungeon troll in real life?

Just putting on some shades to block out all your ugly.

Do you have a question for our resident Aubrey Plaza 2.0? Send it to!