Ask A Hottie, Vol. 1

Ask A Hottie, Vol. 1: What To Do When Your Girlfriend Voted For Hillary, And Why Your Girl Won't Stop Talking To Her Ex

Welcome to "Ask a Hottie," Break's newest column where they give free reign to a girl who 1. Is not qualified to be giving life advice out to anyone, and 2. Isn't even that hot, but "Ask A Solid 6.5/10" doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Each week I'll be answering any and all of the questions you lovely people send to me, not including the ones that are stupid, boring, pointless, or some variation of "How can I get out of the friend zone?" My final and forever answer to the latter is that if you have to ask how to get out of the friend zone, you are already trapped there for life. Buy some land and build yourself a condo, because you ain't moving anytime soon.

Do you have a question for our resident 6.5/10? Send it to AskaBreakhottie@gmail.com!

Now that we've briefly discussed my (lack of) qualifications, let's get started!

Q: My girlfriend is a DemoCRAP and I am a die-hard Republican. Ever since Trump was nominated she has been posting pro-Killary articles all over her Facebook and will not stop preaching to me about how Trump is going to ruin the country. It is beginning to ruin our relationship. What do?

The obvious answer here is to either block her on Facebook, which will surely lead to a stupid argument because social media has become the end-all be-all for anyone between the ages of 20 and 35, or tell her to shut the fuck up, which will also lead to a stupid argument because no girl likes being told to shut the fuck up.

An easy band-aid fix to this would be to just un-follow her so that none of her posts show up in your newsfeed. It's not like you look at her profile anyway -- you've got better shit to do than scroll through Facebook 24/7. Unfortunately that doesn't keep her from getting loud after you've decided to whip out your "Make America Great Again" hat in the middle of a nice dinner out on the town.

Now, the mature person in me wants to tell you to reach some sort of compromise: tell her that you respect her political views (lying lying is so fun, especially when done to everyone!), but that you don't want to hear them at all hours of the day, night, and in the occasional email-blast when she's feeling particularly ornery. Say that you two agree to disagree, but that while she's with you the official stance on politics is "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

Again, that's the mature option. If you want to be a dick (and this is the option I recommend, because I am also a dick), just go ahead and dump her because you two clearly aren't compatible. If she is that obnoxious with her political stance on social media, chances are good that she's just as obnoxious in other aspects of your relationship that you've been able to ignore until now. Does she pout whenever she doesn't get to pick where you go to dinner? Do you get the silent treatment anytime you prove something she said is wrong? Does she swish, spit, then go for a French kiss without brushing her teeth? Is there a 30-minute long lecture in store for you every time a pro-Trump ad runs on television, even if you don't say anything?

Politics have become more and more divisive. May as well cut your losses now before she talks you out of a prenup down the road.

Q: My girlfriend has been very secretive with her phone lately. She has changed her password and always keeps it facedown when we are together. I got suspicious and looked through her text messages and saw that she has been talking to her ex-boyfriend, "Chad," again. None of the texts are flirty, but when I asked if she had talked to him lately she lied. Why?

I haven't talked to a single one of my ex-boyfriends post break-up because when I end a relationship, I burn the bridge, nuke the town and then leave a solid upper decker in any bathrooms left standing. Your girlfriend is clearly a nicer person than I, otherwise "Chad" wouldn't bother responding to her texts.

Which of course, begs the question -- who is texting who? Is Chad starting all of these exchanges, or is your girl the one who's hitting him up?

Because if Chad is the instigator, your girlfriend might just be a pushover who feels bad ignoring people. If SHE'S the one blowing his phone up though, well, you may have a problem.

In the case that Chad's the dehydrated one with a permanent thirst for your girl, tell her straight-up that you're uncomfortable with the fact that she's still talking to him and would appreciate it if she stopped. She probably already knows it's fucked up since she's hiding her phone from you -- hopefully you saying something will be the kick in the ass she needs to block him. And don't try to lie when you tell her how you found out she's been talking to Chad. Just be honest.

Something like "Hey LaQuanda (they called you "31" in high school because just like Baskin Robbins, you like ALL flavors), I feel like you've been keeping something from me lately, and so I'm not proud of it, but...I went through your phone. Blah blah blah I'm sorry blah blah blah But forreal, Chad? Come on. Blah blah blah, makeup sex blah blah." Girls can smell lies a mile away, and unless she's got a sinus infection or you're unknowingly dating the town idiot, she will call you out on your shit and holy hell will you be in deep trouble.

But if she's the one hitting him up, AND she's hiding her phone because of it? Yeah, even though her messages aren't an up-front invitation to get his dick sucked, doesn't mean that's not where they're headed. Some chicks are timid and don't particularly excel at being forward; others send texts along the lines of "I'm home, alone, and not wearing clothes. Cum over." If she's hiding her phone and happens to be the one instigating these conversations, my advice is the same as before: call her out on her shit, but then if she keeps doing it go ahead and break up with her. And by "break up," I mean "burn the bridge, nuke the town and then leave a solid upper decker in any bathrooms left standing." Maybe steal her cat for a few days so she thinks it's gone missing, hide all the remotes in her house, spray her tampons with hot sauce -- y'know, some real sadistic shit so that she fully knows it's over.

 

Do you have a question for our resident 6.5/10? Send it to AskaBreakhottie@gmail.com!