Ask A Hottie: My Girlfriend Would Rather Masturbate Than Have Sex With Me

Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s weekly column in which I, a 24-year-old millennial who is not married, does not want to get married, and has not had a single genuinely functional boyfriend, gives advice to men in their late 20’s – mid 30’s about how to have a successful and loving relationship.

Clearly I am qualified (at least by Break’s standards), so let’s begin!

Do you have a question for Rebecca? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!

Q: I have been dating my current girlfriend for the past year, and we’ve been living together for the past three months. Our sex life has always been normal, but since moving in together I noticed that she masturbates a lot.

A LOT.

“Sharon” will wake up in the middle of the night and masturbate. Sharon will masturbate in the middle of the day, at night, and if she could get away with it at work she probably would (she works 12 hour days, so she probably does it at the office but it’s not like I ask.) We both have very high libidos, but occasionally I will come to her for sex and she will turn me down because she is “too tired.” Too tired to have sex with me, but not tired enough to masturbate? OK. We are at the point that we rarely have sex during the week and only seem to have sex on the weekends.

It’s getting to where it’s affecting the way I feel about her, because to me it seems like I am not good enough in bed for her to want to not masturbate and have sex with me instead. I feel like a failure.

What do I do?

A: First of all, you’re not a failure. You’re just looking at this from the wrong perspective. There’s a key line in your question you glossed over that shines a good amount of light on the situation:

“…she works 12 hour days, so she probably does it at the office but it’s not like I ask.”

Dude your girlfriend is working 12 out of 24 hours of the day and you think she’s gonna be in the mood to fuck when she gets home? Come on. Lots of people work eight hour days and are too cranky to fuck at the end of the day. Assuming she gets at least eight hours of sleep a night, that leaves only four hours of free time to herself. Sure, she could spend those four hours fucking you, but when I’m horny and tired the “tired” part usually wins and I pass the fuck out.

But see, Sharon and I are different in that Sharon’s libido is higher than mine, so since she’s too tired to fuck she winds up masturbating a lot. The main problem isn’t her masturbation habit, it’s that you feel like she’s replacing you with flicking her bean solo – but think about it. How much effort is required to masturbate versus have sex? When you’re fucking you’ve got a lot more to think about: whether you’re crushing the other person, whether they’re getting anything out of it (unless of course you’re the Bernie Madoff of sex, in which case go fuck yourself solo), where your hands are going, what that weird smell is, when your roommate is going to be done using the washer so you can clean your cum-stained sheets before you go to bed that night…and I’m not even talking about the physical aspect. The last thing I want to do at the end of a long day is have an aggressive thigh workout that leaves my room smelling like pussy.

You and me both, Clint.

But with masturbating, she can probably get herself off in five and then take a nap. Much less work, way less cleanup and she still gets her rocks off.

Don’t believe me? You were the one who said the two of you only fuck on the weekends. You know what she’s not doing on the weekends? Working. You know what she’s doing during the week when she doesn’t wanna fuck? Working.

As for a solution, if I were you I’d try to be a little more sympathetic to the fact that your girlfriend is literally spending half of her life at the office and try to be as accommodating as possible when she gets home. For example, if she comes home late have dinner waiting for her, or make sure that the house is clean so she doesn’t walk into an episode of Hoarders. It might not get you laid, but it’ll go far in her appreciation towards you which in turn will help get you laid.

And, as always, you should talk to your girlfriend about how you’re feeling insecure rather than bottling everything up and letting it build. She probably doesn’t have any idea that her constant personal trips to the roast beef curtain store is bothering you, nor would she – she’s not avoiding sex with you, she’s just fuckin’ tired, man.

Do you have a question for Rebecca? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!