Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” the only column on the Internet where 99% of the comments are arguments over whether or not you’d be willing to crawl through a mile of broken glass just to watch me fart bubbles out of my snatch. You may have noticed there was no “Ask a Hottie” last week – or maybe you didn’t notice because I am not that important of a fixture in your life…
…but the reason for there not being an “Ask a Hottie” was because I was on vacation. Whoo! Look at me drinking a mimosa out of a Dora the Explorer sippy cup on a tube. I picked Dora because she’s getting deported soon and needs all the merchandising royalties she can get:
Do you have a question for Rebecca? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!
Q: My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years, but two months ago she admitted that she had cheated on me. She told me that she was out at a club with friends and that a guy kept hitting on her. She told him to go away, but he was pushy and kissed her. She said she was drunk and didn’t like it, but didn’t know what to do and pushed him away, so he grabbed her butt instead. She said they left the club shortly afterwards.
I forgave her, but I was really upset about it at first. I guess it’s still bothering me, because a few nights ago I had a dream about it and woke up really angry.
I told her about my dream later that morning and told her how mad it had made me. Instead of apologizing she freaked out and told me to stop bringing it up just for the sake of starting an argument.
Then at dinner with my parents later (I am very open with my parents) when I mentioned it she got even ANGRIER. She stormed out of the restaurant and hasn’t talked to me in days even though I’ve texted her a hundred times.
What is her problem?
A: There’s just so much going wrong here that I don’t even know where to start.
First of all, your girlfriend did not cheat on you. Your girlfriend went through what every other girl in the world has to deal with, which is creepy drunk dudes with boundary issues who don’t take “Get the fuck out of my face you fat fucking fuckwad” for an answer (I’ve found that “No” isn’t as effective as “fuckwad.”) Just because some dude kissed her doesn’t mean she cheated – how insecure are you? Did you turn your mom in for cheating after you caught your uncle giving her a hug? Do you call the Feelings Police every time someone doesn’t jerk you off for being perfect, or do you just head on over to your time-out corner and cry until mommy comes and breastfeeds you (yes, in this scenario you are a pervy adult who is still breastfeeding. You belong on TLC, not in a committed relationship with a functioning woman.)
There was nothing to forgive her for – and reading through this, it sounds like you’ve grown into the habit of playing the victim. I’m even down to bet that no one in your life has been willing to shovel all that shit you’ve been pushing on people right back up your asshole, so since no one else will do it, grab a pen and paper and write this down:
“I will stop being a fucking cocknugget to my girlfriend. If I do not, eventually she will realize I am a loser and leave. Then I will be a lonely cocknugget and have no one to blame but myself.”
Aside from blaming your girlfriend for cheating on you when that’s a complete fantasy, you decided to start an argument that had already been done and over with just because you had a bad dream. Do you like starting forest fires or repeatedly shooting yourself in the foot? Because I can’t imagine why you thought your girlfriend would get down on her knees and grovel for your forgiveness when the two of you already hashed it out. Just because you do something wrong (WHICH SHE DIDN’T) doesn’t mean people should be able to bring it up whenever they feel like getting their dick verbally sucked. In other words, once an argument is done and over with it is done and over with – keeping score is a surefire way to kill a relationship. You need to forgive and move on.
It is shocking that after all of the bullshit you threw at her in the morning she managed to go about her day without ripping you a new asshole. I guess she’s just used to dealing with morons, does she teach preschool or something? Because only a demented toddler would then follow up that lovely tension-filled morning with “Hi mom and dad! My girlfriend fake-cheated on me a few months ago but I’m going to spin it like she actually cheated. Pass the salt, please.”
No wonder she is pissed. I’d be mad as hell too if I finally came to the realization that I’d wasted the past three years dating a guy who’s shitty enough to embarrass me in front of his parents like it’s as normal as breathing air. I know you said you’re close with your parents, but how would you feel if she said “Last night I walked in on him jerking off to old family photos of his 12-year-old sister in a bikini. Pass the salt, you fucking knobs” ? Yeah – you’re a real piece of work.
Do your girlfriend a favor and break up with her since she won’t do it for herself. At the very best, you need therapy for being such a narcissistic butt plug. At worst, karma will finally kick in and you’ll get hit by a car. I’m hoping it’s a combination of both.