Ask A Hottie: I Tried To Embarrass My Ex For Revenge, But Now I Want Her Back

Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s weekly column in which I get to field emails about how my hair is a stupid color, how I’m the ugliest person working at Break (which is impressive considering you don’t know what anyone else working here looks like) and occasionally, OCCASIONALLY…a question to answer. Coincidentally, I just got my hair done on Monday. It is fresh as FUCK and LIT TO DEATH. Feel free to tell me how wrong and stupid I am:

Do you have a question for our “Ehhh, she’s alright in the dark” hottie? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!

Q: Two months ago my girlfriend broke up with me. Throughout our relationship I felt like I put in the most effort and she was just along for the ride, but it still hurt. When we broke up she told me that she still loved me, but that she was young (we’re both 21), wanted to experience the world and didn’t want to look back on her life with regret.

She managed to go one month without contacting me (and blowing off all my texts too), but in the beginning of March she started texting me lightly, asking how I was and stuff. One week ago she told me that she missed me, that she regretted breaking up with me, hoped to get back together and wanted to meet for lunch. I was still hurt from her dumping me, so I told her to bring her friend along because I had a plan.

We sat down for lunch this past weekend, and I laid out all the shitty things she’s done to me since we broke up: ignoring my texts, deleting me off social media, asking for space, etc. I could tell that she hadn’t told her friend any of this because her face was in shock the whole time. At the end I said “I still love you, but I don’t trust you anymore. If you really want me back you will fight for it” and left.

It’s been four days and she hasn’t contacted me once. Did I do the right thing? I still want to get back together but I have a feeling I may have ruined those chances. What do I do?

A: Before we begin, please watch the following clip from Rick and Morty:

It is 2017. We are no longer allowed to insult each other as “retarded,” which means that as much as I’d like to say you are, I’m not allowed.

But goddamn are you a fucking moron.

First of all, dude you’re 21. Instead of crying about your girlfriend dumping you for two months you should’ve gone out and banged anything and everything that moved. You’re only in your 20’s once, and the minute you hit 30 it becomes creepy and desperate to hang around at bars and try to pick up women. Your girl gave you the BEST way out: she still loves you so she might come crawling back, but in the meantime you get to swing your dick everywhere like a naked trapeze artist. You basically had your cake and got the chance to eat it too, but instead you knocked the cake onto the floor and then waited until a raccoon came along to realize that hey, wait, you wanted cake!

Not cool, fatty.

And you do realize that this girl hasn’t wronged you in any way, right? She didn’t cheat on you, she didn’t call you names, she didn’t trash talk you to your friends – she did what any normal and sane person does after a breakup: go radio silent for X amount of time until life levels out again. “Ignoring my texts, deleting me off social media” and “asking for space” are not “mean” things she did to you, they’re standard after a breakup; you’re just a little bitch who can’t handle a read receipt without a response immediately following.

But none of that matters, because the minute she said she regretted breaking up with you the first thing you should’ve done is let go of all the animosity you built up towards her after your breakup. Why? Because it’s not doing you any good. It’s the same logic I use when I get into a fight with my significant other:

  1. I am mad at my SO
  2. My SO does not know why I am mad at him
  3. I ask myself, “Do I want to get this fight over and done with so we can go back to being happy, or do I want to drag it out and thereby extend this unpleasant period in time?”
  4. I throw my pride into a dumpster, get the fight over with, reconcile, and go back to being content

That should’ve been your plan of attack: what do you want more, to embarrass your ex with the lame revenge plot you concocted, or get her back? Clearly your thoughts were more geared towards the short term, as you went and picked the stupid option that nearly guarantees she’ll never get back together with you.

Which brings us back to your question: no, you didn’t do the right thing. Instead of being mature and realizing that you were moments away from getting your girlfriend back, you decided to be a petty little bitch. You intentionally tried to embarrass her in front of her friend which, by the way, most likely backfired since the “wrongs” you listed are a fucking joke, and now can’t figure out why she hasn’t texted you since. Gee whiz, maybe it’s because you told her “If you really want me back you will fight for it,” and then she realized that she DIDN’T really want you back. Frankly, I wouldn’t either.

As for what to do now, well…if you still want to try to drag this poor girl down in life, go ahead and apologize for being a jackass. Tell her you were acting out of a place of hurt and that you were completely in the wrong. Grovel. Kiss her feet and beg for forgiveness, because any girl with even half a brain would be running for the hills screaming if their ex ever tried to get back with them after that stunt you pulled. And if that doesn’t work, don’t be surprised – just try to keep this whole experience in mind for the next time you’re faced with choosing petty revenge or long-term happiness.

Oh, and for the record: you should’ve tried to pull a threesome with her and her friend during that lunch. I am confident you lack the mental and sexual prowess to have pulled it off, but even a stopped clock is right twice a day – it just so happens that you’re a digital 24-hour clock and your batteries are dead. Bummer.