Ask A Hottie: I Can’t Tell If My ‘Boyfriend’ Is Still Married…?

Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s weekly column in which I sometimes make questions up, sometimes people send me questions, and sometimes I just look at the people in my life and spew their problems out onto the Internet under the guise of anonymity because I know some real fucked up winners.

Halloween circa 2014. Whee.

Today’s question comes from my friend, “Tiffany,” who told me the other day over dinner that she has a new boyfriend. That even happens to be Tiff in the above photo, as coincidences do not exist and most things in life are at least somehwat intentional.

“When do I get to meet him?” I joked, unaware of the impending lunacy.

“You don’t,” she replied. “He’s really private, like I still haven’t even seen his apartment. Or met any of his friends or family either.” She said this all casual, like this is something that’s fucking normal.

The following is a recap of what Tiffany told me about her “relationship” over dinner:

I met “Brad” about two years ago at work. He was married at the time and I’ve met his wife at office Christmas parties, but about six months ago he told me that he and his wife had become separated. They don’t have any kids or anything, gross.

Brad and I started flirting, and we slept together for the first time about three months ago. Over time when we hung out I started to notice that he got a lot of texts and calls from a contact named “Ben” in his phone. Whenever Ben calls or texts, Brad leaves the room to answer. We don’t work with anyone named Ben, and one time when his phone lit up I managed to catch the phrase “I miss you” showing in a text from him.

The other weird thing is that Brad still lives with his wife. He says that neither of them have the finances to leave because they’re stuck in a mortgage that they can barely afford, but  the city we live in isn’t very expensive.

I think Brad might be secretly gay and poor, even though he acts straight and rich. What’s going on?

For the record, I love Tiffany. I also hadn’t seen her in about two years since she had to move out of town for work, so Brad was complete news to me. There is also no way that Brad is poor, because according to Tiffany he is a mechanical engineer and his wife is a lawyer.

That being said – Tiffany, you’re a grade A idiot.

If a guy ever tells you that he’s separated, that’s all fine and dandy – but don’t believe him until you see that his wife doesn’t live with him, that she doesn’t have a portion of his closet partitioned off for dresses and leggings, and that you can tell there’s no way she’s coming over for dinner 4x a week because he’s got a million Lean Cuisines sitting in his freezer. Why? Because otherwise you’ll end up like Tiffany: heartbroken and single since Brad is definitely still married.

That guy Ben? Yeah, that’s definitely his wife. Brad just changed the contact info in his phone so Tiffany wouldn’t get suspicious. Obviously I do not know this for sure, as I do not know Brad, but I am pretty confident in this because:

  1. Only Tiffany would think “Secret Gay Lover” over “Definitely Still Married,” and the fact that she jumped to that conclusion is proof enough for me
  2. My ex used to meet girls at the bar and save their contact information under fake names. This is not a novel idea that he came up with out of nowhere.

Or, maybe I’m wrong and Brad is secretly gay and Ben is indeed his lover. Does it really matter? Either way Brad is still technically cheating on Tiffany. The fact that he got an “I miss you” text more or less proves that he’s in some sort of relationship with that person – think about it. To all the guys out there, when was the last time you sent a platonic “I miss you” text to someone? Probably never. Either Ben is a giant soft flabby pussy, or Ben is actually Brad’s wife and the two are having marital problems, which is far more likely. 

This was all suspicious enough on its own without the fact that Brad still lives with his wife. Yeah okay, the two of you are “separated” but only between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. – the rest of the time they’re living in the same house. That’s about as “separated” as two conjoined twins sitting in a pot of glue.

I think the main problem here isn’t that Brad is cheating on his wife and Tiffany, but that Tiffany is, for lack of a better word, fucking stupid. Tiffany is the sort of girl who grew up wanting to be a dolphin. Not a marine biologist or veterinarian, but a completely separate species of animal that lives underwater. She told me she abandoned this dream when she turned 15. Tiffany also is the sort of girl who doesn’t understand that cats and dogs are different animals, and who failed out of our Plant Sciences 101 class because she didn’t realize the word bank at the top of our midterm had all the words we needed to fill in the blanks with. Instead of “photosynthesis,” she wrote “plant snack time,” I shit you not.

Tiffany, I told you all of this to your face already, and you know I love you – but what the fuck. Dump Brad and his cheating ass, tell his wife that he’s either gay and cheating on her or straight and cheating on her, then find yourself a man who thinks you’re Albert Einstein instead of Simple Jack.

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