Ask A Hottie: Don't Bone Your Friends Unless You Want It To Blow Up Like This

Welcome to Ask A Hottie, Break’s weekly column in which I stop being a salty bitch for thirty minutes and become a helpful one instead. Don’t take that to mean I’m nice though – I said I wasn’t a salty bitch. I’m still a bitch, just honest. Y’all motherfuckers really need some honesty, because a lot of you have been walking around with your heads buried in bags of manure.

I turned 23 in this photo. Shockingly, no one likes me when I'm 23 the same just like when I was 22. 

Don’t like honesty? Don’t come here. Like honesty, hate me? Go play in traffic. Like honesty, and like me? Quit being such a fucking suck up; I know people like those don’t exist.

Got a question for our salty/honest bitch? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!

Q: I have known my friend “Mark” for about a year now. We met through a mutual friend that I have, and while we did not hit it off very well at first (he’s completely opposite from me, he’s very loud and outgoing while I am shy and quiet) we have grown to become good friends.

A few weekends ago I was feeling down about being rejected and lead on by this cute guy in my office and went out drinking with friends. Mark wasn’t with us, but after one too many shots I ended up texting him to come join us. Eventually he and I wound up back at his apartment. I was still feeling insecure about being rejected by my coworker, and with all the liquor I’d drank I thought it would be a good idea to hook up with Mark. He was super drunk as well but did not make any complaints.

Ever since then Mark has been avoiding me. I send him texts, emails, calls, everything and anything you can think of and he barely responds. I think he is afraid that I want a relationship with him, but the real deal is that I would like us to keep hooking up. I have trouble talking to men, so finding a casual “friends with benefits” deal for me can be hard, and now Mark won’t give me the time of day.

How do I get Mark to see that I’m not trying to date him so we can keep hooking up?

A: I know this phrase gets tossed around a lot on here, but I want you to imagine how your story would sound if the sexes were reversed.

Do you know what it’s called when a guy doesn’t take no for an answer? Rape. You know what it’s called when a woman doesn’t? Well, it’s not really called anything other than “being an annoying bitch” or “persistent,” but the point is you’re doing the most when you should be doing nothing. If you hooked up with some guy while you were really drunk and he sent you an endless barrage of messages for weeks afterwards, would you want to sleep with him again?

Fuckkkk to the no. You’d think he’s a creep with no friends, no life and in desperate need of a hobby (I hear woodworking ails the broken heart, go make yourself a duck.) Not to be the bearer of bad news, but that’s also what you sound like.

I’ll break it down for you: You and Mark don’t click. You admitted so in your question but have been able to maintain a friendship regardless. That’s fine. You, feeling insecure about being rejected by cute coworker, got hammered and fucked Mark to make yourself feel wanted again. I know that’s not what you said, but that’s what you did even if you won’t admit it. Don’t feel bad, we’ve all been there – one time my dad told me I had a drinking problem so I went and cried, while drunk, to all my friends about it so they’d reassure me that drinking three bottles of wine on a Wednesday afternoon is a perfectly acceptable way to pass the time. It didn’t change the fact that I puked in my cereal the morning after, but goddamn if I didn’t at least feel better about myself.  

Poor Mark at this point is just a pawn stuck in your snatch. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken sex ed before, but pawns do not belong in snatches. Neither do bishops, queens or knights, but if I guess if you’re going to shove chess pieces up your twat you may as well go for gold (checkmate is when all the pieces are up your vagina and you stick the board up your ass.) But it’s cool, because drunken friend sex happens sometimes and usually everything works out.

Except not this time, because you’re being a fucking clown. There’s a chance Mark felt weird after hooking up with you, in which case the next course of action for you would have been to do nothing, say nothing, just give it a week and then maybe get lunch or something as friends. Instead, you caught every goddamn carrier pigeon in the state and sent them all to his house after he took longer than five minutes to answer your text. You burned down his neighborhood trying to send him smoke signals when he didn’t answer your call. Shit, Pizza Hut knows you by name now because you keep asking them to send him heart-shaped pizzas. Would you be cool with this if it were some dude blowing you up? No? Then why should it be cool for Mark?

And I know you think he’s ignoring you because he thinks you want a relationship with him. Ever think that maybe, just maybe he’s ignoring you because you’re acting super clingy? Or that, gee, I dunno, maybe he doesn’t want to have sex with you? I’m aware of the stereotype that men will have sex with anyone as long as their BMI is in the normal range, but that’s not being fair. Are some men pieces of shit? Of course! Are some women? Fuck yeah! But the stereotype is based off of the assholes who’d slide their dick down a cheese grater if it meant getting laid. Your average, sane, normal guy is not willing to ruin friendships in the pursuit of a damp hole. Mark is not willing to ruin friendships in pursuit of your damp hole.

But you’re willing to ruin friendships in pursuit of his pole in your hole, in which case I’m telling you to quit now before you really fuck things up. Download Tinder and make your bio about how you’re looking for uncommitted sex. POOF! Look at all the dicks knockin’ at your front door, and you didn’t even have to carry a conversation with any of them. Mark won’t be one of them, but so what? There’s plenty of fish in the sea, and as long as you’re willing to chum the entire goddamn ocean with your puss you shouldn’t have trouble finding at least ONE to pound it out with you once a week.

Got a question for our salty/honest bitch? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!