Yes, 3D Printing Life-Sized Vagina Kayaks is Illegal in Japan

Japan.  Land of the Rising Sun. In Japan, kids have already thrown out their Xbox Ones and are instead playing on the XBox:Omega.  Their PS4s are now flower pots while the kids play on PS7s.  They use Blu-ray discs as decorations for fish tanks and watch all of their movies directing in their brains thanks to implanted cinema chips.  Probably.  No one in our office has ever been to Japan and we’re all afraid to ask the Asian guys who work here if they’re Japanese or Chinese or what for fear of sounding racist.

Japan is a land of amazing advancement and futuristic technology (plus panty vending machines) and yet, there is one area of social development in which they are severely restricted.  Porn.  If you’ve ever seen Japanese porn your brow likely furrowed in confusion when you discovered one of two things – it was a cartoon (or hentai, which is Japanese for “this is perverted, watch something else), or all the naughty bits were blurred out.  Because, in Japan, real genitals and penetration are a big no-no.  So you show fake, cartoon stuff, or you just blur out the action.  To clarify, tentacle porn is socially agreeable, but actual sex is not.  And neither is a life size kayak 3D printed from a real vagina.

Artist Megumi Igarashi was arrested for 3D scanning her tentacle receptacle and digitally scaling it up so that one could print it into a useable boat.  The Japanese will not tolerate this form of chicanery.  The artist claims she’s used molds of her goodies as art before, and in this case nothing she’s done even includes a real picture of it – she’s selling the code for a 3D scan that others could download and print, giving themselves a big ol’ kayakgina.  However, the fact she scanned it at all, somewhere, at some time, is apparently too much for Japanese authorities.

If she’d drawn a picture of 30 robots running a train on her cartoon hoo-ha with atomic dongs she would have been fine, but potentially offering a 6 foot long plastic reproduction of it that comes with a paddle and can be used for fishing is not kosher at all and this is why movies like The Ring never make sense when you watch the original Japanese versions – there are no rules in Japan.  They just make up insane stuff as they go along.  Have you ever seen The Ring in Japanese?  There’s a scene where a cop is watching security camera footage and sees the evil little girl Sadako and she comes through the TV and kills him.  But he never watched the tape!  You can’t make up a rule that people need to watch the tape and then they die in 7 days, and then throw it out the window later because you had a new idea that the curse is smallpox or something, that doesn’t even make sense.  And you can’t be OK with watching a race of alien slugs have cartoon sex with schoolgirls dressed like sailors but then freak out when a real vagina gets scanned into a computer somewhere.

So what’s in store for the now in custody Megumi Igarashi and her illicit lady bits?  No one knows yet.  Maybe jail time, maybe a fine, maybe the government will take her vagina away and replace it with something less offensive to the public, only time will tell.  Until then we await the next bold artist who will provide us with a giant vagina in which we can go sailing.  Until then, check out the crowdfunding page that was set up for the one in Japan, to which we sadly cannot contribute outside of Japan.