Let’s face it. If you see an attack video of humans and “animals” and you don’t root for the animal, you are on the wrong side of history. Sure, our species might have invented the bikini, pizza delivery, the blow job and Mexican wrestling, but aside from that, we are a relatively worthless species. Animals on the other hand are awesome for many reasons, chief among them that they don’t cause global warming, commit terrorist attacks or troll the internet ripping on fat chicks who dare to show their creations on etsy. That said, animal attack videos can be scary, funny, informative or just plain weird. The best ones of course are those where the animal in question attacks a human being for doing something unconscionably evil. Ok, sorry about that lengthy rant but it was all just our set up for the question of
WHY DO ANIMALS ATTACK?
Let’s start with a classic attack target, as since before Hitler and even before people who hated French toast, there were always those who wanted to diss the French. The lion in this video clearly thinks that this French woman is worthy of attack. Could it be the lion hates brie? Doesn’t like the snooty attitude? Or could it just be that she looks like a tasty lunch?
In point of fact, perhaps the main reasons animals attack humans is because the humans in question are world class ass munchers. In this horrific piece of video, a woman who clearly should never have been born is teasing a chained bear. The bear naturally attacks her, but unfortunately, doesn’t bite her nose or belly button off. Let’s face it – if you are this woman, please just have a lobotomy right now and never think of bear tormenting again.
DO CHIMPS LIKE TO ATTACK?
Who can forget the magical tale of a chimp who ripped a lady’s face off? It was either savage brutality or karmic justice, depending on if you felt that “Planet of the Apes” was a documentary or science fiction. Although it must have hurt the woman, the simple fact is that the woman shouldn’t have been hanging around a captive chimp. Need more proof? This video has a chimp behind glass, but there’s no doubt he wants to crack the kid’s coconut.
The Chimp’s closest cousin is the bonobo, and bonobos are known for their peaceful ways. Then again, even a bonobo has his limits. Had enough of tourists making snippy comments while snapping away on their iphones? Attack!!!!!!
DO POLAR BEARS LIKE TO ATTACK HUMANS BECAUSE HUMANS TASTE LIKE BRATWURST?
We may not know the exact reason, but considering this video seems to be in German, we can only assume that it’s quite possible. Again the obvious question – what the hell was this stupid woman doing to get in this predicament? And the even more obvious answer – she was asking to get munched. Sadly, she lives, proving once again that stupid German women occasionally live after being attacked by polar bears.
IN THE WORLD OF ANIMAL ATTACKS, WHAT IS THE “REVENGE OF THE MCNUGGET”?
Between man and chicken, it’s hard to say it’s a fair fight. No one ever goes hunting for chickens, and there are no recorded cases of a chicken eating a human. Then again, if you were putting together a scale of all-time injustices of humans against chicken, it would show that the chickens definitely need to get some pay back. In this video, they stop crossing the road long enough to chase after this idiot.
ARE GOATS CUTE ANIMALS OR ARE THEY VICIOUS BEASTS WAITING TO ATTACK?
Duh, they aren’t vicious beasts. In fact, they are super cute especially when they are babies. In this video, we get to see a slew of the little critters attack a woman with love and tenderness rather than hooves and sharp teeth. Sure, it’s cute – but wouldn’t you rather see a giant shark eating a drunk sorority girl?
DO SHARKS MAKE EXCELLENT SUBJECT FOR ANIMAL ATTACK VIDEOS?
Can we get a “hell yeah” they do! Sharks are known for attacking humans, and considering we kill a tremendously higher rate of them then they do us, it seems only fair. Do yourself a favor – research the number of sharks who die so some assholes in China can eat shark fin soup. The animals have their fins sliced off and then are dumped back into the water to die. Therefore, this chick losing a leg seems only fair. Go sharks!
When a shark attacks another animal besides a human, it’s ok to root for the other animal. In this case, it’s ok to feel bad for the seal that becomes a piece of very fresh sashimi for this shark. Poor guy will never have a chance to become an Easter Seal.
ARE THERE ANY COOL VIDEOS OF A SHARK ATTACKING NICOLAS CAGE?
Is it Nicolas Cage’s fault that he went from talented actor to action movie star to punch line in a decade or so? Probably. Either way, there is no way one can watch him being eaten by a shark. The next best thing though is this shark attacking a different kind of cage.
CAN YOU SHOW US SOME UGLY ANIMALS ATTACKING PEOPLE?
First of all, by calling them ugly, it definitely stacks the odds in the animal’s favor that they have every right to attack people. Especially this warthog. Ok, he might not win any beauty contests in the human world, but amongst his species, this guy is considered the Brad Pitt of warthogs. Give him a little respect.
Snakes may or not be ugly depending on who is doing the defining, but there’s no doubt that they are among the kings of animals attacking humans. You may boo them, but they will hiss right back. In this video, this snake takes a nip out of this annoying woman and it’s hard to disagree with his logic. If you were a snake, wouldn’t you bite her too?
OK, ALL THESE VIDEOS ARE FREAKING ME OUT. CAN YOU JUST STICK WITH SOME FUNNY ANIMAL ATTACK VIDEOS?
That’s a good point, as many prefer just watching the follies of an animal not knowing he is clearly outclassed in the viciousness department. In this example, it’s quite clear that the vehicles passing by are in no danger of being munched by this guy.
Unless you can empathize with what it feels like to be a burrito and feel the pain of having been eaten by a drunk guy at four in the morning, you won’t feel bad for the victim of this dog’s sharp teeth. Good thing he didn’t go for the tostada though because those things can be brutal.
WHAT ABOUT NUT KICKS? NOTHING GIVES ME MORE PLEASURE THAN A GOOD OL’ FASHIONED NUT KICKING. CAN ANIMAL ATTACK VIDEOS COVER SUCH A TOPIC?
You are clearly a person of very refined tastes, and yes indeed, there are such videos. This one involves both testicular injury and an animal attacking. Sure it’s funny, but seriously, bull fighting? Isn’t it time that that “sport” goes away? Wouldn’t you just rather see jerks like this guy be rammed in the nuts by animals all day long?
This one doesn’t have any scrotum bumping, but it at least shows the bull hurting this human. For those of you keeping score at home: Bull 1, Assface Spaniard 0.
While we are on the topic of bulls being smarter and cooler than anyone lame enough to mess with them, we must mention the famous (or infamous) running of the bulls held yearly in Pamplona, Spain. This brilliant clip shows a chick being injured not by the bull itself, but by her own stupidity. Is there any doubt that she deserves to be injured in such a fashion? Remember, she chose to put herself in this situation because she had a brain roughly the size of a Smurf’s anus.
I AM STILL BITTER THAT I LOST IN A BOXING MATCH AGAINST A KANGAROO. CAN I SEE AN ANIMAL ATTACK A KANGAROO?
You should be bitter about that, but probably only have yourself to blame. And no, we won’t hook you up with a cute kangaroo being injured by an elephant or giant squid, and not just because such scenarios are basically impossible. Instead though, we will rub it in your face even more how much kangaroos are cooler than those who box them by sharing this wonderful video.
ALL THOSE VIDEOS REALLY HAVE GOTTEN ME IN THE MOOD TO SEE A MONKEY ATTACK ANOTHER MONKEY BY POOPING ON HIS FACE. CAN YOU HOOK ME UP WITH SUCH A VIDEO?
We can, but probably shouldn’t. Seriously, anyone who is in the mood for that has bigger problems then we can help with. Then again, any video of a monkey pooping on another monkey’s face is worth watching unless you are the monkey in question and can’t see it because there’s still poop in your eye. Sadly, the prequel video of what this guy does to deserve a faceful of poop is not available. Suffice it to say it involved stealing the other guy’s autographed picture of Tom Brokaw.
Article by Daniel Bernstein