I've got a question for all the men reading this, and I hope you'll answer me in the comments because I'm genuinely curious: if someone told you your penis was going to fall off tomorrow, what would you spend your last dick-endowed days doing? I'm a girl who doesn't have a dick and so I can't truthfully answer this question, but if it were me I'd hire around 10 clean-ish looking hookers (where's the thrill in having sex with a hooker who doesn't look like she at least sleeps within a five mile radius of a crack house?), buy 100 gallons of vanilla pudding and have a giant bathtub pudding orgy. And no, you can't swap vanilla for chocolate pudding or else people might think they can get away with taking a shit in the tub; give an inch and they'll take a mile.
61-year-old Andrew Lane, a cancer patient admitted to Southend Hospital in Essex, was sadly given zero warning that his dick was about to fall off, meaning that he had no chance to use it for any bucket list items he might've had left to cross off. During a surgery to remove his prostate, Andrew contracted a "potentially fatal infection necrotising fasciitis" (read: flesh-eating dick bug) and was left fighting for his life. Fortunately, he lived. Unfortunately, he lost most of his dick and can't have sex for the rest of his life, which probably isn't very long considering he's 61 and a cancer patient.
May as well have just died, amirite?
Speaking to The Sun, Andrew explained that "One day, about six weeks after the first operation, I had enough strength to take a shower. When I came out I looked at myself in the mirror in horror. My penis had almost completely disappeared."
"I was crestfallen. It was the worst sight of my life. At no point did a doctor tell me I would never be able to get an erection again...as a man, you never know how much you will miss your penis until it's gone. I went into the hospital a cancer patient for what doctors said would be a routine operation and came out without my manhood."
Is this true? Can none of the dudes reading this imagine how much they'd miss their dick if it suddenly disappeared? I have a feeling Andrew just lacks imagination, because I'm picturing what life would be like if my tits fell off and let me tell you, I don't think I could take my shirt off at the beach ever again.
As for Andrew, he was forced to use a catheter and a colostomy bag for two years and now has a special device fitted to help him pee. "I do miss having sex with my wife," he reminisces, "I've told her she can look for it elsewhere...we're a normal couple who enjoyed it as part of a healthy relationship and I do miss that." Poor guy is living a nightmare -- no penis, giving his wife permission to sleep with other dudes since he can't fulfill her needs, and seeing his "super-fit" body turning into a giant cronenberg:
Do you ACTUALLY want to see what his body looks like? Because this is pretty close on its own.
"I lost from my belly button to just above the groin and I've not got much left of a penis. I was super-fit before all this. I had a good body, but now I look like I'm nine months pregnant. I can't ever bear to look at myself naked."
Looking for vengeance, Andrew is now suing the Southend University Hospital NHS Foundation Trust over his lost manhood. The case is expected to be heard at trial next year, though the hospital trust has so far declined to comment.
What would you do if you woke up one morning without a penis? Let us know in the comments!