World’s Oldest Dick Graffiti Found at Last

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Jul. 07, 2014

Today, if you take a Sharpie and draw a penis on a poster of Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton, you’re considered a menace, no matter how hilariously realistic you make it look.  You could even be arrested for that brand of vandalism.  Such is the life of a graffiti artist.  However, that doesn’t mean your wang drawings wouldn’t have archaeological significance in a few thousand years if they lasted, as is the case with some wieners found in Greece.  Go on, make a greasy weiner joke!

Look at all the historically significant junk on here.

On the Grecian island of Astypalaia, covering the limestone of the island, Dr. Andreas Vlachopoulos has discovered the world’s oldest dick graffiti going all the way back to the 5th and 6th centuries BC.  Do you know how old those wieners are?  Arguably older than the ones they sell at 7-11.  And that’s of historical significance for more than one reason.  First, they really are the oldest graffiti wangs on earth and the first anything deserves some recognition.  Second, they include inscriptions which basically say “Tommy did Paolo Right Here,” (Greek dudes were friendly with each other back in the day).  This means that even commoners out in the middle of an island who had nothing better to do than have sex and draw pictures of it all day were skilled in writing, so education was wide spread in ancient Greece, it wasn’t just reserved for philosophers and artisans.

Historians, of course, are well aware that our past is up to its neck in penis. The world’s oldest dick joke dates back to the 10th Century and is a pretty epic knee slapper - "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."  You can tell that one at Church and probably get away with a mildly soiled soul at best, so our ancestors maybe weren’t as crude as we are today, but at least they were trying.  We’ve been in the gutter for hundreds of years!

Sexy time!

If that doesn’t convince you of mankind’s preoccupation with smut and such, never forget that German’s excavated what’s considered the world’s oldest dildo believed to be almost 30,000 years old from a cave there a few years back and it was made of solid stone.  That’s how nasty our ancient ancestors liked to get – stone cold nasty. 

In terms of general debauchery, there are cave paintings from the Upper Paleolithic Era, which was so long ago it has a preposterously scientific sounding name like “Upper Paleolithic Era” that are, for lack of a better term, the world’s first fap material.  Let’s be honest, there are better terms, but it’d be funnier if they were referred to as fap material.  Anyway, caves throughout Spain and other parts of Europe contain pictures that some scholars may want to pretend are not smutty in nature, but since they depict sex in ways that are less procreative and recreational, it’s hard to argue they’re not just ancient Hustlers on the wall.  After all, when someone draws a couple having sex with a third person just watching all filthy-like, what do you figure it means?  Means someone dug exhibitionism.

For what it’s worth, when future scholars look back at the world of today and the foundation of the internet, they’re going to find the first wangs and assorted smut on the cleverly named Sex.com which was registered in 1994.  And don’t you go saying you could find smut in usenet groups or ASCII porn before 1994 either.  We’re talking proper, scholarly porn here and that means registered domains.  That’s how the history of filth works.

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