7 Kick Ass Things AMC Should Also Allow In Movie Theaters In Addition To Texting

The new CEO of the AMC movie theater chain, Adam Aron has a plan to make the whole movie going experience more enjoyable by allowing audience members to text during film screenings.

Grab your extra-large popcorn, $12 dollar liter cup of coke and your smart phone because who the hell can go an hour and a half sitting through a shitty Melissa McCarthy movie without jonesing for the sweet nectar of their friends’ status updates?  Aron says;

“When you tell a 22-year-old to turn off the phone, don’t ruin the movie, they hear please cut off your left arm above the elbow. You can’t tell a 22-year-old to turn off their cellphone. That’s not how they live their life.”

Same thing as not texting during “The Boss.”

A lot of hip movie theater chains these days are serving full meals and even booze to their audiences. Now, while you’re watching that guy get his face melted off in Raiders of The Lost Ark, you can have your own face flesh seared off from a sizzling fajita. Gives the dish a little extra flavor! 

It’s like a nice Gouda cheese on your taco.

That is why I fully support AMC’s plan to allow texting.  If you just paid $22.50 to see Batman and Superman slap each other around for a few hours, you should be allowed to stretch your legs and make yourself at home. This is still America: you can either enjoy your FREEDOM to text, fart and fuck in the theater or GTFO.

Here are nine more kick ass things AMC should get behind:

1. Target Practice With Personal Fire Arms

A real gun range in Florida already has a full bar so why can’t a movie theater have a gun range?  Law abiding citizens should embrace their constitutional right to fire off a few rounds when they see fit.  AMC should allow customers to bring their weapons into the theater and have access to a full shooting range in the front of the screen for target practice. The loud, soothing sounds of live ammunition being discharged will only add to the realism of action flicks, while adding some excitement to boring dramas.  Besides that, if those millennials want to keep texting and you want them to stop so you can concentrate on firing your weapon – they might just listen to ya.

2. Lap Dances

Theaters are always trying to expand on new sensory innovation. 3D? To fully enjoy an erotic film, AMC should implement some 4D action with some double D’s in the form of movie goer lap dances during the film. While you’re watching the next “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie, instead of wishing you were whipping Dakota Johnson, you could have a real, live woman rubbing up on your johnson. Hire one of those bachelor party strippers. While it might seem pricey you can always split a stripper with the other dudes watching “Divergent.”  

3. Darts In The Dark

A more family friendly activity to do while watching a movie is a good wholesome game of darts. Traditionally a “bar game” darts can be played by anyone who needs to keep their hands busy while they are sweating through “Zootopia.” AMC should have a policy in place to allow customers to bring their own game of darts to be played in the theater. This will be a lot less distracting than cell phone use, as dart boards do not emit any light and are virtually noise free, aside from all the screaming that occurs when someone gets stuck in the face with a dart in the dark.

4. Masturbation

AMC should allow customers to openly masturbate during screenings. For the amount of money a ticket costs these days you are basically renting a small hotel room. It should be OK to pull out your situation and go full Pee Wee Herman. This includes bringing sex toy items into the theater to assist you on your solo mission. While the theater still restricts you from bringing in outside food, they can’t stop you from stuffing your cabbage. I argue that at least during the previews we should get to have a judgement free whack off zone. As an added bonus, this way you will be nice and relaxed and can fall asleep and snore when the movie starts.

5. Solicitation of Prostitutes

Paying a prostitute for sex might seem like it is out of some folks price range, but hey a quick “around the world” in the back of a movie theater can’t be as pricey as a pack of peanut M&M’s at the concession stand. That’s why I say if you are already going out for the night and having yourself a splurge, really go all the way.  So call your local call girl and invite her on a “date” to the movies. AMC shouldn’t have a problem with the legality of open prostitution in their movie theaters, because if they are really charging $8.50 for a day old hotdog, who is really the whore here?!

6. Open Drug Use

Allowing people to text in theaters is the gateway drug, literally. Now that texting is OK, people are going to see this as a green light to openly doing drugs. I say AMC should embrace this slippery slope and say smoke ‘em if you got ‘em! Marijuana is now legal in several states, but the theater chain could get a lot more business if they just look the other way at more hardcore drugs. The whole place should turn into a coke fueled 70’s night club. Just lines of blow going down every aisle, while coked up cinema heads freak out to “Hardcore Henry.”  Oliver Stone would love it.

7. Bring Your Own Food And BYOB

OK, OK, I’ll stop saying how expensive food at the movie theater is. That’s why if AMC wants to attract young film fans who like to text during movies, then they should also allow them to bring their own food and beverage. You are going to work up an appetite after firing up a bong rip and banging a prostitute. So why not be allowed to order a pizza, bring a party sub or better yet cook your own meal from scratch over a camp fire in the middle of the aisle. To make the next superhero shitbuster tolerable movie fans should be allowed to wheel in their own beer keg and pass out red plastic cups. Maybe even play some beer pong while you’re at it!

So if you’re the type of dude who wants to punch someone in the back of the head when you see their phone light up in the middle of a movie, you should set aside the roid rage and reconsider. Think of all the fun you can have in the dark.

What do you think? Should AMC theaters allow texting during the movie?

Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney