On 60 Minutes this weekend, Amazon revealed that it wants you to get your Blu Ray set of Orange is the New Black no matter what the cost to good sense or rationality and has introduced an unmanned drone delivery system. No longer will the UPS guy have to figure out a way to hide your package under the welcome mat.
In only four or five years, tiny little quadropcopters will grasp onto Amazon packages and fly to their destinations using GPS within a half hour of receiving orders. You’ll barely have to wait to be mildly satisfied again, unless of course someone decides to shoot at your package as it flies by but of course no one would ever do that, would they?
Odds are the drones will also be outfitted with cameras, Lord knows they’re probably pricey and would be subject to thievery otherwise, which of course means Amazon has potentially an army of little spycopters flying about as well, but probably no one would be concerned about that either so long as they can get their copy of Dr.Phil’s latest book the same day. Let’s just agree that there’s clearly nothing potentially wrong with someone using military-style drones in America to deliver mostly useless goods extremely fast to people who couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed.
Now, assuming it's not fake as some people around here think, we need to embrace this!
If drones make awesome delivery boys (Dominos, you may want to look into this, too) what else does the military have that we might enjoy in our day to day lives?
A Canadian company called Hyperstealth, because of course they’re called that, claims to have developed a Harry Potter-style invisibility cloak for the US Army that bends light waves around the target rendering the basically invisible. Think Predator, only with less of an obscene mouth.
Now the company itself sounds about as sketchy as a dude in a windowless van asking you if you want to come in and see a puppy, but it did get picked up by the media about a year ago and spread around despite the lack of evidence to support it, so we’ll work like print journalists here and assume it’s all legit. And if it is all legit, why aren’t they selling this stuff in stores? Think of the endless useless for invisibility fabric. No think of all the non-criminal ways you could use it, too. Have some valuables in the house? Now they’re invisible. Porn stash? Invisible. Want to get out of work for a day? Invisible. Nude beach? Invisible. This stuff would change everyone’s life for the better and probably several people who get robbed for the worse.
If there’s two things people like it’s dogs and robots. An a robot dog already exists, so why don’t we have them yet? Remember how cool it was when Hummers were released for civilians? No? Well, it was cool to some people, just like a giant, robot pack animal would be cool to some people. After all, a robot dog can still sit and listen to your problems while never having to actually go outside to poop, never bite your furniture or slippers, never bark for no reason and, if someone breaks it, it could presumably tear them to pieces, literally.
Boston Dynamics made the robotic Big Dog back in 2005 to work as a pack mule in the field. It can travel 20 miles in a day with a 400lb load. Just imagine using this thing for grocery shopping, Christmas shopping and camping. Laziness has never been so easy!
DARPA, the military’s answer to mad science, has funded research into something called Orexin A. What’s that? A brain chemical that, in monkeys at least, lets them just sort of skip sleep. It lets your brain function as though you’re fully rested when you’ve actually had no sleep at all. You can see how this would be useful for the military, no one wants to mess with an army of soldiers who never need to swap out because they’re always alert, but damn if this wouldn’t be useful to all people at all times.
Naturally you have the late night study jams for students, the cross country hauls for truckers and pilots, the second job for someone pulling a double shift but really, is there anyone who wouldn’t benefit from no longer needing to sleep? You’d party that much harder, have that much more time to do literally anything. Play Xbox? Read a book? Learn the guitar? You could do it all by basically gaining a third more life. That’s not bad at all.
Don’t you hate taking out the garbage? The answer is obviously yes, it’s the worst thing our civilization has. Don’t try to think of things like poverty and war, stick with garbage. Like when you get garbage juice on your hand by accident, or maybe a raccoon rips open a bag out back? It’s disgusting. Good thing that someone invented an only mildly terrifying robot buddy named EATR that can actually eat biomatter!
EATRs were designed for long term recon in hostile landscapes so the eating part is how they’d refuel. Also means they could kill and eat an enemy combatant if it came to that, but let’s not get into terrifying sci fi when there’s still hope for Utopian sci fi with these little monsters. Not only can they eat trash, DARPA gave them software called SELF. SELF is a kind of advanced AI that lets the robot replicate itself if necessary, as in totally build itself a new friend, and modify its own design as necessary. Does your EATR need to include a flatscreen TV? Maybe! A PS4? Definitely! A massive claw to crush your enemies? I’s already being built!