All I Want For Christmas Is For Madonna To Just Stop Already

Like most Americans, I long ago grew numb to Madonna’s frequent reinventions of herself. It probably happened around the time that she picked up that awful fake British accent that she thought was avant-garde but just made people say, “Oh, honey…you’re tired.”  Along came another Italian-American female singer/songwriter with a nickname and a flare for the dramatic and we just sort of went with that. Before Lady Gaga even settled in, Miley Cyrus fired up her attention-getting antics. 

I think that irritated Madonna. 

Not willing to become the Dowager Countess of American Pop, Ms. Ciccone decided that the best way to rage against the dying of the light would be to show her ass in public a lot. I began really noticing at last year’s Grammys, when Madonna showed up dressed like a working girl catering to a high-dollar client who had a funeral fetish.

Flashing one’s derriere in public ceases being edgy the second you flip the tassel on your cap at high school graduation. Even I had given it up by the age of 25, and I have a divine rear end (sorry ladies, I’m taken). No one ever sits around after holiday meals musing, “Grandpa sure seems youthful and fun every time he moons us.” 

Madonna kept herself fairly quiet for much of the rest of 2015 but as the 2016 election season heated up, all hell broke loose. She went all-in for Hillary Clinton, probably because she was just happy to meet a famous woman who was older than she is. 

When she got her son a Donald Trump piñata for his birthday, the cultural appropriation seemed like something that a Clinton supporter would do and didn’t really raise any alarms.

Then she offered to blow everyone. 

“One more thing before I introduce this genius of comedy,” Madonna said to the crowd before Schumer came onstage. “If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blow job — and I am good.”

That had to take a lot of the luster off of the cool piñata birthday party for her kid.

“Great party man. Hey do you think your mom would go down on me?”

While no photographic proof exists, there were plenty of rumors that Bill Clinton showed up to Madonna’s house wearing nothing but “I Voted” stickers and a smile. 

There will probably be studies done to see if the threat of getting vein-raked with Madonna’s grill made male voters flee Hillary in droves, but it’s not implausible. On a scale of 1 to Lena Dunham, the thought of being the four hundred thousandth guy in the Madonna victory party line is pretty frightening. Bernie Sanders probably wishes that she’d made the offer during the primaries. 

Maybe raffling off backstage passes and giving the money to Hillary would have been less traumatic for her kids. 

And America. 

She’s obviously distraught over the election results, and continues to act out. She took a perfectly good “Carpool Karaoke” segment with James Corden and ruined it by whipping off her…seatbelt and twerking (here we go with the ass in everyone’s face again), which ended up looking more like a seizure. 

One of the greatest things about the Madonna of yesteryear was that her outrageousness was effortless. It was just something she did without a lot of forethought. Now she looks like she is working at it. Shaking her butt in public or for a camera has almost become her version of a tired political stump speech. The stuff that she thinks is keeping her relevant and youthful is really moving her closer to Planet Cher, another famous first name that gets a little weirder in public every year. 

It’s not even that Madonna isn’t in great shape or isn’t aging well. She looks fantastic. It’s that the shtick is tired. We’ve all seen her ass. For decades. It’s the comfortable old sweater of famous asses. 

Let it go, Madonna. We’ll still like you and your kids won’t have to get night sweats every time they start to go online. Win/win. You can be the hottest grandma in America without being so, um, cheeky about it. 

We know that you are ashamed of being an American now

Keep up that car twerking crap and we’re all going to be ashamed that you’re an American too.


Stephen Kruiser is a professional stand-up comic and writer who has had the honor of entertaining U.S. troops all over the world.