How To Avoid A Drone Attack (Lost Instructions)

The Associated Press recently unearthed a document from Al-qaeda in Mali purporting to provide advice for dodging drone attacks. The document listed twenty-two somewhat common sense techniques for avoiding drones. There was another page in the document listing eleven more techniques for avoiding drones. Unfortunately, it was destroyed by a drone. has come into possession of the third page and is able to release that information for the world to see now:

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11 Additional Tips For Dodging Drone Attacks Should The Previous 22 Prove Ineffectual 

  1. Dress up as an unmanned drone (costumes available at Meddy’s on third). Allow the drone to slowly approach; then, rub your nose against it. That’s how it knows you’re friendly. If it attempts to access your rear, relax and just go with it.
  2. One thing anyone can do to avoid detection is pretend to be a rock. It is important that you pretend to be a small rock and not a large one. A large rock in the middle of nowhere is sure to arouse suspicion while a medium-sized pebble may pass unnoticed.
  3. Use a large umbrella or, if you prefer, a parasol. Walk casually as though not being followed by a drone. This has the additional benefit of protecting against skin cancer. Note: Do not open your umbrella indoors. It invites drone attacks. Also, it’s bad luck.
  4. Stand in one place and shake very quickly. You will appear to be a blur to the drone’s remote pilot. The US infidels are not allowed to shoot blurs because they are weak.
  5. If you are surprised by the sudden presence of a drone, raise a butterfly net into the air on a great pole and swoop it toward the drone until the drone has been captured.
  6. If you know nothing else about the American drones, know this: They can be easily confused by identical twins. Note: An identical twin can usually be used only once. Twice if he is quick.
  7. You can not outrun a drone, or can you? Try it, and let us know. Email us at We will update this bullet point as more data comes in.
  8. Never attempt to reason with a drone. Yes, you may have many well-thought-out arguments for why your body shouldn’t exploded, but, at the end of the day, drones just don’t respond to logic.
  9. Wear a lot of cologne–as though you were going out to party in an American club. Drones can smell fear but not if it is being covered up by Drakkar Noir.
  10. Buy a universal remote control. When you see a drone approaching, point your remote control at it, enter the four digit code listed in the manual for your particular brand of drone. Press “Power.” Did the drone deactivate? Enter the alternate code and try again.
  11. Listen for the drone. Does it sound angry? If not, you can probably just walk right by it undetected. Look casual. Try whistling– but don’t whistle any of our anthems such as “Death To American Satan.” That’s a sure giveaway.


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